Jan 28, 2011

Reflex, Tick-off

Reflex-lady was really nice. When we got to the discussion part I more or less feel like a total disaster, I am like a scrap-yard-model, not a lot of working parts!!
With all the hormone-overdose my body are struggling to get rid of everything. My neck is tension-up, that I know!!! Who’s going through IF torture will not be tense up?? Show me that bugger!!
A lot of other things are concerning the girl, so I have made and appointment within the next 2 weeks and then will see, if there is a change on scenery. Which I hope for with my whole heart.
AF arrive so now we know my and Suro-sus cycles. So the next cycle will be IT!!!
Its so damm hard to just call the doctor to discuss the next treatment, its horrible to mail the sister to order the meds.
My friends are busy with their kids first day at school, going to their new swim class, meeting new mummy’s, waiting for the first athletic running. Coming home with their precious baby from the hospital ( like yesterday I had to visit a friend ,to take a gift for the new baby, and to see that small absolutely precious gift  break my heart to pieces )

Everybody’s life  just went on the last 10 years… mine was stuck on Ivf’s, meds, hospitals, blood tests, miscarriages, court case’s, heartache, injections, hormones, theatres, tears, blood, weight gain ,pills, people looking at my vagina ( as if it was one of the worlds 7 wonders ) Trying everything that’s possible, anger, disappointments…
Only  one thing that make me still coping and trying is…LUV!!! He is the best thing in the universe!!!

Jan 27, 2011



Jan 26, 2011

They gone after 21 years

After a visit too the dentist when I was 15, they discover I still got my baby eye-tooth (what a discovery at that age) so where are they hiding then???? My top jawbone!! See my name is always on the weird-stuff-list.
So I went for and operation where they took out my baby tooth and they put weights on the teeth. With the weights they manipulate my newly-discovered eye tooth into the place where the 2 rascals was supposed to be. I also got braces (which at that age I HATE!!!!!) The weights where fasten to the braces. I was told that this whole ordeal will only be for one and a half years. So when I got 17 I will got my smile back…BUT THEN as things with me, it took 3 …very long years. So just before I was finish with school they came off. I hate it so much then, I never smiled with my mouth showing teeth…I HAVE NO PIC’S OF ME WITH BRACES.
So when the dentist remove the braces they left a very small little bar at the back of your teeth for 2 years , so your newly arranged mouth can settle.

Then after 2 years I ask the dentist, please remove this and he said “NO it’s better for you, leave it there!! So every time I visit the dentist over the last few years, it was the same story. When I am on IF treatments the medicine have some kind of effect on my mouth-nerves and then its irritating my mount with this bar.
I am at a place in my life where I am sorting out big stuff, and because I am heading for my last and final IVf I don’t want that bar in my mouth . So yesterday when I step in the dentist office I order him to remove it or I will kill him!!
…and he remove it….AFTER 21 YEARS the last of the horrible braces are GONE!!!!  My tongue   cannot stop gliding over my new-without-brace-teeth. I just love it

Jan 25, 2011

doing recovery work to myself

Feels like I have been away for weeks.  I am waiting for AF to arrive so we can plan our next step. But she is like an old maid moving like a snail. SO I am waiting…
Last week Suro-sus husband was having discomfort with his hands and legs, they went to the doctor (an idiot) who give him pills to drink and then Friday it was worse so they tried a new doctor. This doctor sends him to hospital directly.
He was diagnose with Guillain Barre Syndrome (disorder affecting the peripheral nervous system)
Suro-sus was running around between the hospital and her kids. Likely he was discharge from hospital yesterday and recovering at home now.
I am starting to do some damage control of my body, yesterday I went to the Chiropractor, today to the dentist and later this afternoon for the long-waited-reflex!!
The diet ????maybe better this week… Yesterday we went to a Turkish restaurant and order a “tray for 2 with something sweet” they have the nicest coffee. And the something sweet…maybe Turkish delight ??? No they bring a tray with…lemon merique… chocolate mousse …baklava….peppermint tart and the turkish delight.. Mmmmmmm it was nice…..

Jan 21, 2011


Yesterday was a very teary-day for me, emotions HIGH!! But life needs to go on...

I have start to look at dates for our next and last IVF. and to be honest, I am not seeing forward to this. because if this is a BUM-CYCLE, my heart will not heal forever. And my whole life will change.

I never think there will be a best date for a cycle, because if you go now you miss that show, birthday, holiday, meeting...you just need to put your head in the bees nest. I am scared to go because I know this is the end, so now its like every minute not going is like postponing the end.

and every single girl I know is pregnant...when the fuck is it my turn, dammit!!!

The reflex girl can only see me on Tuesday...waiting is not for me at all.

Jan 20, 2011


              Today  3 Years ago, I  lost my  TWIN BABY BOYS... we miss them so much XXX

Jan 19, 2011


I have met this girl years ago… she became a client and then a friend. My opinion of her..she is shy, wonderful with a heart of gold, she is an inspiration !!!

I have got this “out look” in life, if you have dreams. Go and make then true as far as you can!!!! I am a true believer in that and I can really say , most of my dreams I have chase, happen, Maybe just because I am a believer!!!

So when we chat, she was always saying she would love to do this and that, it’s her dream!!
And then I will encourage her “GO FOR IT GIRL!!” You can and it will change your life forever.

So 2 years ago, she was telling me she wants to do scuba diving, but it’s a lot of money and she don’t have the guts!! So I ask her…”is this a dream????? YES!! Borrow the money, and then you can pay it off over time, then you make your dream can true.

So she phone me one day… I have entered a scuba course!!!! So she starts the course and she struggle so much and she was scared!! And she was struggling when they were still practicing in the POOL!!!! ( the open water not even mention) And she wants to quite!!
So I tell her, this was a dream….if you quite it now you will have no confidence in dreams ever.

At the end she was doing night dives!!!! And it change the whole her. She is a very good Marathon-runner. And always saying she would love to do the Com.rades once in her life, but she don’t know if she can , I was saying if it’s a dream, GO!! So last year she finish her first one, she is doing it this year again and at this moment she is practising for Iron-Man!! I am shock!!

Just show you If you dare to go after your dreams!! The next one will just pop up and you will have the confidence to chase it!!!

Every year I pick dreams, something I would love to do. Sometimes it’s big things ( like travelling , sometimes its adventure stuff, running a Half marathon, surfing( I was just lying on the board…) sometimes it’s small simple things (try painting, learn something new, seeing something new) and because I have dreams I chase it!!

This year I want to do tandem Para.gliding… and maybe a mountain bike race( difficult if you do biking once every 6months) and baking one batch of cookies.

Jan 17, 2011

A stomach-bug sabotage my reflex!!

What a bummer!!!! Early this morning the reflex-girl phone to tell me, she is so sick ( stomach bug) and the doctor book her off !!  I was soooooo disappointed!! the whole weekend I was counting the minutes off!!! Seeing forward to heal my body…
But disappointed is my second name.. so now I wait for the “ I am better call”
Today I also started with my try-to-loose-diet. I really am going to give it my all. Its 1 month till my Bday so the first piece of cake (which I Love) will be on my Bday. Hopefully with less kilo’s around my belly.
One of my friends also join a diet, and the next morning she received a text  from the leader“ Today, the rest of your life start”
So when I woke up, take off all my clothes, Take off my spectacles, sit down to pee,( just for that xstra kilo, I wish) I jump on the scale, got a shock  and then I start my eat rite lifestyle.. After breakfast, I text Luv “ today the rest of my life start”  I got the message back

THANK GOODNESS!!!!  I am seeing forward to the next life!!

Jan 16, 2011

She Hit my Reflex!!!!

For Christmas Luv give me a voucher at a beauty salon for a Back and neck massage and a pedi. What a nice prezzie!! What girl would not be ecstatic??? To be treated ,is one of my highlights in life.

I am a beauty therapist and I work from home and I just love my job. So for many years I did not go to salons, because I can do most of the treatments for myself. But 5 years ago I decided that it is time for me, to treat myself ( I WAS IN NEED OF ME TIME)..and after I made that decision, I was hooked on the luxury and to be treated, and the joy of the relaxation. I wish i was a queen that could be treated the whole day in spa’s!!!

The voucher is at a new girl in town, and she is quite good, after Friday I think, brilliant!!! So Friday I went for the pedi. When she finish the painting and was suppose to start the foot massage she just  touch my feet , have a frown on her forehead and ask if she can do a bit of Reflex.ology… ( I don’t mind what she do because I was enjoying the treatment.

Just for a a bit of back ground . In my course we did reflex.ology . I know how good it is for you and I know lot of IF’s go for reflex before IVF. But if you living in a small town you don’t have the luxury of good qualified therapists. And if they are not good …stay away!!!  They will do more damage than good. I broke my thumbs years ago so for me to do reflex... is an utter pain.

While touching my feet in 5 seconds, she looked up and said…
You don’t sleep…you get lots of migraine’s….you have depression…and your right shoulder is more stiff than the left….

I WAS SCHOCKED!!! She was dead right spot-on!!! Then I knew she is brilliant at Reflex. And I ask her about it and she said , she just love it, it is her passion!!! It was like an angel out of heaven, just what I need. So she go on… saying  I am so full of toxins it a really bad,, what did I do….so I told her about the ivf’s, the hormones and the whole tutty.
I was always in need of a person who luv it and now I have found her. For Monday I have made an appointment and I am going for a course with her, like a case study. I am so excited!! I am in need of a fix, because I knew my whole body is so mess-up, I am feeling sorry for myself.

So this week is going to be my first step to detox!! Thanx Luv!! if it wasn’t for the voucher I would never found my reflex-angel.

Jan 14, 2011

Wacky wonderful weekend

Its raining now and I love it… because of the 2 year drought we have had. So last week I planted flowers and they just love the rain!! I can see it through the windows. I think they are smiling!!!

We are going to friends tonight and tomorrow we are going to canoe. We haven’t do for a long time. Would be fun!!! Yesterday I swim with Luv in one of our friend’s farm dam. Luv is practising for a tri-athlon in Feb. andnow I am going withif he practise, maybe the swim help for the body toning.

Tomorrow we have a 30th party …for me it feel like party time and I need it now…just to keep me going!

Emotionally I am way of the road… in the next to months we must do the final !!! And its hard on me to get at the point of …this is going to be the end.

Jan 13, 2011

Kilo's ??? Still here!

One of my friends phone me this past week, we where good friend and then they moved. So now we don’t see each other that often, when we sleep over we talk the night through and laugh!!!
So she phone and say, you know what, I have start to change my lifestyle and have lost 8 kg in 2 months!!!
And the second I hear that…. I start to change to the colour GREEN..Yes I was jealous!!!! How the heck to you just change your lifestyle and whala 8kg??
I have changed my lifestyle so many times… sometimes cut out all nice stuff!! Wear tight bloomer type clothes ( they are so tight if they press your tummy flat , your back looks like a whale. I have run till my energy was up and….
I did not lose any weight… and that’s killing me.
So from Monday I have start all over AGAIN…cannot see a difference, but I would love a nice chocolate now MMmmmmmmmm

Jan 12, 2011

Unexplainable ???

If anybody wants to give me advice, PLEASE,  FIRST ASK ME WHAT HAVE  WE DONE TILL THIS POINT.. Before you the “idiotic-ever-knowing-everything-on-infertility-because-you –know-somebody-that-bla-bla-bla”
And now with surrogate stories that sound like the ultimate easy ever route( all the holywood super stars have twins ) if you cannot get you own kids. I want to go crazy, to listen to all this crap.

The newest thing people ask me now is…are you finish trying for kids, because have you ever thought of using a surrogate….Yes I have…. And it did not work…. O but I know someone that was a surrogate with TWINS!!! Why don’t you use her??? It is then when I want to flip around or just want to start peeing in my pants!!!! Of frustration!!!!! People only hear the success stories!!!!
To get a surrogate is not that easy, it’s not like you go with a lorry, crap a few, good looking incubator-ladies and then ask who of you girls can give me twins and then the one ,first putting her hand in the air is the lucky one!!! This stuff don’t work like that.
I am doing these If stuff for 10 years now and I have go down every route that was there to offer. I am not that lucky , My First Gift did not work, all the IVF’s did not work, all the IUI’s did not work, Natural did not work, Surrogate did not work and I am  not one of that success stories… I am the story you don’t tell, because I am the story with no end,  the story without the happy ending, I am the infertility story you wish you never heard.
Don’t ask me to try this or that…. The doctors don’t even know what to do next, because there is no problems.

I have excellent eggs.
Dear Luv’s sperms is top of the range, the best., we don’t need donors that’s not our problem.
The eggs and sperm fertilize every single time. The quality of the embryo’s is good every single time.
I do sometimes get pregnant…it is then when shit hits the fan…I lose the babies every single time over and over again. I am on a miscarriage-cocktail ( may sound yummie!! Its not, its hands full of pills and injections) and still it don’t work….why??? nobody knows???  There are no reasons for this.

Jan 10, 2011

Old Age Boxes

After I downloaded my camera I found this photo. On Christmas day we made boxes full of goodies for the people at the old age home. It was elderly people that have no family or their kids did not come and fetch them for Christmas.

It is actually heart breaking…

When it was holidays, when we were young kids and our nephews and nieces visited us, we always took flowers and stuff for the old people. So this year we took the boxes with all the little ones to the home so that they also can  learn to do stuff for others. They enjoyed it so much, I do not think they really understand everything but they thought it was loads of fun. (Have to say they really enjoyed the support rails next to the passage the most, they think it was the best place to hang on)

One thing about age when you are young you use the rails to do "hanging-rolls" and then when you old you use it for support to not do "rolling-down-the road"

Jan 9, 2011

Weekend Whooo

Whoo what a nice weekend…it feels like holiday!!!!!

The wedding was so nice and we saw such a different lot of friends, we haven’t seen in a long. One day feel like a weekend…that is what happened if you have fun, laughter, good friends , food and wine…

Sunday we only get up at 12h00 (the ONLY advantage if you don’t have kids) went out for late breakfast and spend the rest of the Sunday on the couch…doing absolutely NOTHING!!!!!

I just love weekends!!!!!

Jan 7, 2011


Cannot believe its Friday already. If this is the speed this year is going to fly, I have to put on my SEATBELT!

This afternoon I have to do a bridal make-up and I am seeing so forward to it. In 16 years it will be the 1st ( there is always a 1st ) time I will not use any foundation on a bride. Just because she is so beautiful and so natural. The wedding is going to be on a farm near the sea and I can’t wait to see the venue. The bride is a no-nonsence girl. The bride was a client of mine when she was still in school and now she is going to be wed…and you know what I was thinking about, she will be pregnant before me as well…shit!!!!! And she is years younger!!!

And tomorrow we having a wedding of one of our friends on our home town , so this weekend it’s party time.

My diet is going to see her ass this weekend and then Monday its tears on the treadmill!!! But I suppose you only live once!!!!

Jan 6, 2011

Weather people

You get winter, summer, spring ect and you get hot days and snow days and windy days and rainy days thats what life-weather is  all about.

The funny thing for me is poeple complaining about everyday ( dont they have a life??? just want to know??)

They moaning about the cold weather and the moment its hot they want to die of that as well. Now that its hot here with us, and yesterday was hell hot, the people that moan the most is the one with pools and aircons, the ones without it just chill on ..funny, ne!!

and then you got people that want it to be the hottest or coldest or wettest with then...come on ...ther is one thing to remember, if you think its the hottest or coldest ect where you are, just remember the world is damm big and there are other place that is much worse.

Look at sporty people, they swin in ice water, cycle in pouring rain, running in hot sun and they JUST LOVE EVERY MOMENT OF IT!!!

Enjoy the weather  it change everyday for you not to have a boring life...

Jan 5, 2011

Where is my old self???

Last year this time, we start to prepare for our Suro-journey. We were on cloud 9, so excited, so full of hope and now a year later preparing for the 3th Suro, I am not excited, without any hope , we are fedup and I know I have to get my act together but Fucking ….How?????

I want to scream for all the meds!!!! The emotions!!!! The blood!!!! And all that just add up!!

I have to lose some weight and all I want to do is …EAT + EAT+ EAT+EAT!!
I have to get fit, but to get my lazy ass on the treadmill is like calling me for war-duty.
I have to get my mind around, and all I want to do is thinking of nada-zilts-zero.

I have to get excited, over the moon, for this next try , but I am scared because this is the last one. And this is changing the whole-IF –journey, because this will be the end of the journey ( the only journey I knew for the last 10 years )

So while I am sitting here, I am feeling like a druged-horse not knowing how to get up on my legs, and then when I am up, how to get the one leg in front of the other one…

Jan 4, 2011

How did the visit on the farm go????

We did not stay the whole time....we pack up and go!!!!! It was our 1st stay in 2 years time....and we were   UN-WELCOME!!!! if I tell you all the strories your ears will start to glow!!!

Yesterday I start my exercise program and it was utter HELL!!!! I need a jump-start!!! and the "you-have-to-look-at-your-dieet-and -dont-put-crap-in-your-mouth" is like putting myself in jail. But I need to be in the best shape ( have not been in shape the last 10 years) for our last IVF try.

This dieet and exercise is not New Years things - its ivf-stuffing. I have NO New Years list. I am going to take this 2011 day by day and just have peace....

Suro sus join the gym today aswell...2012 ??? 30+ bikini models????? we wish !!!!!!

Jan 3, 2011

2011 is here to...hope HE will rock us out of our socks!!!

How nice to turn over a new clean page with NO writing on, after last years horrible journal.

Welcome back every-one, I miss you!! hope you all have had a wonderful time, with friends, sun, some with snow, and loads over overeating!!!

I hope all of you will have a wonderful 2011, with loads and loads of luck, laughter and love !!!!!

May this year make all your dreams come true, how ridiculous they may be ( after all its yours)

I am seeing forward to this "HIS-YEAR" ( positive-stupid-me-again) this will be the year where my life will be sorted out...