Nov 17, 2015

World Prem Day

Today it’s World Prem Day!!


I just cannot think it was just 4 years ago when I was the prem mommy with two 32 weeks  prems in NICU

Mostly to have prems is abit of a shock. But in our case we knew suro-sus was too small to go to the end. So there was this change of having prems.

And then things were  about to change from 28 weeks….so weekly I was reading up about prems. To be prepare!.

I remember how I weekly call Luv to show him pictures of 28 weeks, next  week 29 prems…….and every week was this HUGE milestone if they where  still save inside!!. It defiantly help with  the prem shock to come.

But in my case with every baby I lost and all the dramas to just get a baby, I think certain feelings just get cut off! And seeing my twins dying in my hand. All I want was a baby who is alive!!

But  before we hit the theatre they call me into NICU and when they open the door…I  nearly had a breakdown….It was reality!! And we don’t know what will happen from now on!. they told me in hard words what will happen the moment they out. They show me all the things that are going to be put on and in my baby! To prepare me!. Scary but I was excited!!.

And then my two precious premmies was born…and I was swaps into this world of uncertainties…confusing machines and tubes. Lights that beeps. Alarms that went off all the times, babies that stop breathing, and got infections. What help was that for me they was alive and I know this people was the best for my kids. They know how to help premmies.

All you want to do is holding your babies and all you can do is standing next to this open air crips, looking at your miracles feeling so helpless!.

Because the hospital is not near us I spend every day the whole day in NICU. The sun was shining and dying and I was sitting in NICU. Your eyes looking constantly  at the monitor above their beds to see how they doing.

And every time you leave so tiredly and when you wake up the drive to the hospital feel like hours and you don’t know what to see when that door open. You get to know all the dr and nurses insides out. Hand sanitizer become you new best friend.

You have a new life a NICU life that is all you know. You think about the hospital as your new house and then the day come to leave….

And you scared to be on our own with our alarms and monitors and professional people at your side!

 in disbelief you  go home!!!!


And now 4 years later my premmies is rule ling me , my life , my all!!! We did survived the prems!!


Thanx to all the pro-people that are looking after the prems!!!!

Nov 9, 2015

Kids have had their first school concert!! It was so sweet and they love to be on stage, all they want to do and be on now. To wait a year….. I think will get long!

Then a spider bite me…. Geee I felt terrible! For a few days I just wanted to get this horrible feeling over.

I did the whole house at-the-end-of-the-year spring cleaning!! Why do you end up with so much grap in your house???

And I went for my yearly gynaecologist check-up!!!

Sometimes it still feel weird seeing a gynae only once a year…

The night before I was thinking so what is he going to do tomorrow???? And with a flash okay it will just be a internal dildo scan!! ( maybe cause that was what gynae’s is about it the still the first thing flashing in my head… and then I think NO!!!! its not an infertility visit!! It will just be a PAP smeer! So jippe that terrific!! It will be quick and easy!.

  I enter this so familiar doc’s office. Get a seat and start looking around this place with so many of my emotions, tears, un answered questions and so many of my traumas… when I sit there waiting my turn so many thoughts cross my mind!! With this dr of mine so many thing have happen.

Funny how when you sit there and watching your waiting-fellow-pasients. You sit and sort them out in our head!!

You look like you can maybe pregnant???

 Sorry,You too old, must be a yearly checkup??

You to young to even be married? Did you mother send you due to heavy periods?

And then the door open and a couple come out. Making no eye contact, making appointment for a theatre. They have no emotions showing, and while waiting to pay the bill the girl just turn around and walk out leaving her husband to settle the bill. And from where I sit I can see  her out of the window and all I see is the moment she step out that she start to cry!!!!!!!!

And my heart want to break into pieces for this girl I don’t know. Cause I recognize the poor me!!

 She has had a miscarriage!!

I remember the terrible feeling when it happen and the doc  asking if you fine, you lying saying , yes sort of!! And all you want to do is get your ass out of this place and cry!! Cause you where so full of hope and all you feel at that moment is total anger and bitterness and sadness.


I am just so glad I am finish with that!!Crap

I told my dr the best was, he taking my tubes out!! ( we always joke I so much  wanted babies but he have put a stop to it)  that is why that interfere…. I have a life now!! We can do things, plan our life without my hormones and that life are more or less normal now.


I think my  10 years will ever have a effect on me.