Mar 30, 2011

Blood stop for now and I hope for ever!!!!

Today I just could not pick up the phone to ask my sis about the “Blood” So I only phone at 16h00, and the blood is gone, thank goodness. I think, I am not up for this  stuff anymore!!! It’s killing me.

I am really suffering a lot, I cannot describe it to you but I am not coping…and so emotionally, just want to cry all the time.  And a lot is happening around me that I need to cope with.
One of my IF-sister( that really support me a lot on my journey) give birth to a little girl this morning.. Congrats!!!! I am so happy for you!!!! Xxxx

I will not post  again until Monday after the scan… I hate scans!!!! But on Monday we will now… and I am holding my thumbs for a heartbeat!!!

Mar 29, 2011

Vanishing twin

You all know by now my nerves and emotions are on the edge… It’s like I just cannot concentrate on ANYTHING at all!!! I was seeing forward the whole of last week to go cycling this morning, and when I got the text "where are you??" I could not believe I totally forgot about it, TOTALLY!!! and the best is, its highlighted in my diary.
Got a call from Suro-sus this morning…
“ I was sitting on my couch and the next moment it feels like I am peeing in my pants! And when I got to the loo there was blood!!! “ ( It feels like I want to scream!!! I don’t want you to go through what I have been through, time after time!!)and it is just unbelievable that our pregnancies cannot just be normal!!!!
So she rushes to her Doctor and he did a scan… yes as we suspect it is/was twins!!
The one is exact where it needs to be, 5 weeks and they could see a fetal- pole, but it’s too soon for a heartbeat. The other one is not looking good. Look like a vanishing twin. The blood is better but only time will tell. Have to say it rock me a lot!!
My Fs wants to see us now on Monday (6weeks) for the scan, to see what is happening. I think that will help a lot. The poor sisters at the clinic's nerves are up for us!!

With all in me I hope the pregnancy will end up in a baby, I so badly want!!

I also went for Reflex today and the girl said everything in me is not working, so I need to detox. I think after all the hormones and emotions my body is screaming for help!!

I am detoxing

My sis is pregnant and I know it’s the only way we can ever have babies, but its hard for me  knowing that I will never be pregnant myself ( and that was one thing I would have LOVEEEEEEEEE!! I thing I was dreaming about since I was 10!) So I am now ending off all my  dreams and busy starting my new life.
Last week my body did take a lot of strain , but yesterday I have start with a detox-programe and to exercise ( I feel like an elephant that has been stuck in cement, but will take it step by step! really hope I can get this elephant moving in the following weeks) After all these hormonal-years  I have pick up 15 kg and I think NOW is the time to get rid of unwanted-baggage!! ( the weight did overstay their welcome, I think!)

Mar 28, 2011

Not Planned???

This weekend I was hearing the next stuff from 2 women… “It was such a shock, when I found out ,I am pregnant”…then the first thing I ask  is, were you on contraception????
“NO!! but I did not think it was going to happen so soon”….and it’s on that spot that I cannot understand the following…

#         They are telling KIDS age 12 upwards !!!! if you don’t use contraception and having sex….Guess what???? You can get PREGNANT!!! So how de hec does married women in their 20ties doesn’t know this basic biology stuff?? Are they just plain super-stupid or seeking attention??
#         so what was the shock?? You that did not know you were NOT on any contraception?? ( after all … only you stop using the pill,!!you take out the loop!! You stop the injection!!)
# or was the shock….you the married one did not know if you have sex…do the “thing”…do some baby dancing…knock it off…get laid… can get you pregnant??? Do you think people like these still think the storks bring the baby????

I think it can be a huge shock getting pregnant when you on the pill, using condoms or any other stuff, or have no sex in years - because it was not plan at all….
BUT  if you are on NO CONTRACEPTION!!!!! You can get pregnant and then it was planned!!!!

Mar 24, 2011


                              "Faith is daring the soul to go beyond what the eyes can see"

Welcome all the ICLW's

Welcome to everyone visiting from ICLW. Nice to have you visiting my blog.

Yes, I have wonderful news!!!  and it is so NEW!!Our last Suro-try payed off to be POSITIVE!!

After 10 years this is the best news ever. Hope you enjoy my MIRACLE STORY!!

Mar 23, 2011

It took a LONG time to just get to 4 weeks!

It’s weird I am always thinking …next time…there must be a next time….
And for all these years I was always thinking just keep on trying next time maybe it’s your lucky one. But NO!!!, . the minute I am pregnant disaster is kicking in…and the disaster’s name….BLEEDING BLOOD!!!! And now the 9th time, I am amazed!!!
If somebody just could have told me 10 years ago that my body hates it to be pregnant. (I think my body is this Barbie-bitch-girly who think she is so smart and don’t want pregnancy to fuck up her body-have to say Barbie , you need some glasses… the body is already fuck-up after all the meds and hormones!!!)It would have been made things a lot easier, then all the heartache and sorrow, tears and bad news would have pass me. But it was my journey…

Now this NEW journey have start, the one where my “angel-sus” is pregnant!!!!!  It is so AMAZING!!!  Yes we are so super-excited and so super-scared!!! ( if you have been on my route we there is zero-guarantees, to just relax and just enjoy, just don’t work for me) My sus have no problems in her pregnancy, so this is making things a lot better. But still…

..I think when we have our scan and I can see a heart beat reality will knock on our door…

Why is time not flying right now???? We are only 4 week preggies and it feels like months….

Mar 22, 2011

2nd Beta...????

My Beta crashed today. I'm not pregnant anymore. Suro-sus went up to 1937.  Not a lot of people can say they miscarriadged and still are pregnant.

Mar 21, 2011


Tomorrow me and suro-sus will do our 2nd Beta test to see if our beta’s have climb to where they need to be now. I will do mine 8h  just to get it over with and suro-sus will do hers at 12h and then the wait.
I really hope with everything in me that Suro-sus beta will be sky-high through the ceiling. Because she is the super-one with the best change for us ever having a baby.
I, on the other hand are just so risky to be pregnant, it’s my 9th time and if I read it ,it sounds ridiculous. 9th times pregnant and  NO BABY yet???? And every time I believe this must be my time some or other time my luck must change, and then I just start to bleed. The moment a got a + I start to bleed. I don’t know if my body think that’s maybe how things are suppose to work???
Normal girl got pregnant and the  baby follow, me got pregnant and a miscarriage follow ( not exciting at all)
So , yes you are right…..I have start to bleed!!!  So my changes are so little, but Suro-sus pregnancy make this a lot better, so for tomorrow may she hit the roof!!!!!

Please !!!!!please!!!!! please!!!!

Mar 20, 2011

next beta on Tuesday

Finally we home for now; we were coming back yesterday and we just doing nothing at all. This whole everything was ripping-out-all-my-energy this last month. I am so tired!! I think emotionaly  it have had a huge in-put on my life.
We need to go for another beta tomorrow… because of the holiday-day  its going to be difficult so we are going to do it Tuesday. I think when you are so long in this game one more day will not get you crazy!! Yes I lie, I am freaking out!!!
Everything is feeling so un-real…and this I can tell you, my mind is whooozing around 10000000000 –feelings-emotions.

Suro-sus have such a good beta and me and luv are so-over-the-moon, but so scared… and I know she will be fine I am believing it, it is just because of my terrible pregnant tragic- history, to relax just don’t happen. I am so scared to even phone her to ask if everything is still fine.
Luv don’t show any emotions, and that is his way of dealing, I am all over the place.
After Tuesday Beta we will know more what to expect next!!
This is a very nervous Suro-sus, would it not been nice if we know that this beta is going to be so wonderfully-good!! because the dreadful 2 hours after this blood nearly got US killed!!!

Mar 18, 2011


Yesterday was such a hectic day. We where to scared to do the beta...and I think everybody was on their nerves!!! Sorry all of you guys!!!

The girls at the lab was asking if we where sisters and how did it happen that we both think we are maybe pregnant.... so we told them the story and say...please it have to be +!! this is our last shot, so you girls need to make a plan, grab someone else blood if ours are -.!!

The clinic phone and asking where did we draw blood because they are waiting.. So after 1hour 30 min my phone ring...PRIVATE NUMBER!!! The sister know they must text me not phone me. But I was ready , picking up the phone, and asking the sister 'did you loose the bet, and now you need to phone me" so she was saying... i know we are not allowed to phone you but I want to tell you.... I was going into cannot hear anything....what????/what???? say again???? what??? let me write it done!!!!

She was ecstatic!!!! you have a beta of 56 and Suro-sus have one of 343!!! Yes hers is so good!!!!

The doctor phone me asking if we are ready to buy a combi??? and I was saying at the stage we don't mind buying a double Decker bus!!!!

Last night we pick up more meds at the sister and she is over the moon!!!!! Have to say everybody is so exited for us!!!!

Luv was in a meeting yesterday so he just received a text and today I will see him, I miss him so much!!!!!

We will take this pregnancy day by day... and believing this is our miracle!!!

Thanx for everybody sending us wishes and mean alot!!!

Mar 17, 2011

Double Lucky!!!!

Just got the call !!!!!!!!

We are BOTH PREGNANT!!!!!!!!!!!

Me and Suro-sus!!!

With in an hour...

I know it may sound funny, but we just did the blood works. Why did we not do it 8h00??? the day was to whoozz so now we wait.

The clinic is also up in arms and sending us text's... did you do your blood?? because we can not find the results ??

I suppose they are on there nerves for the results...

Now we are to scared to answer the phone...... the is freaking stuff!!!!

Mar 15, 2011

See you all on Test-day!!

I am going away with Luv,( on working trip till this weekend) so I will not be around my blog till Thursday, test day!! But I will try as soon as I got the call from the clinic to update you all on the Beta.
It’s very weird… I don’t think I am on earth anymore I am flying around in universe. I am just flying…. Not thinking….not planning…not crying…not emotional…not anything. It never happened before, I am always so freak-out in my 2ww but this time ????

I think I am busy on my own journey, a journey where I know, not always good stuff happen. I am busy trying, for myself not to get hurt,AGAIN,  I know I will cope, no matter what comes my way.
Other times, me and Luv will always wonder how many babies is inside ( always hoping for the max!!) I will be aware of every single twist and turn my body make, every sec I feel my boobs if they are sore( yes they are always sore of all the meds I on) at the end I think my boobs are not sore…they are bruised!! from all the touching!( this time I have not touch them once) Other times I am counting the day till test date. This time I don’t think about it. Other times me and Luv will talk the whole time about babies in our 2ww, this time we did not do baby-talk once.
I am not excited at all ( and I know it might sound if we already gave up any hope) it’s not true.
I am just trying coping for what is coming to us this last time of trying.


Mar 14, 2011


Jislaaik, this weekend was so nice!!!! It was so nice, because we were doing nothing at all, just fun stuff and chilling out and to be at home was wonderful. We sleep a lot and yes, eat a lot!!! That will not stay behind!
I cannot believe this 2ww have fly so quickly, it’s unreal!!! Only 3 sleeps left and then it’s the DAY!!!... I will know what to do with the rest of my life. This last time I have so much calm in my, I have sort lot of stuff out already so now just have to wait to see is it YES or NO…
And then the big changes need to start.
In a month’s time I was actually never at home and this week we need to go away AGAIN!!! I want to scream!!! And YELLLLLL!!!.

Mar 12, 2011

Happy Birthday LUV!!!!

Its my Luv's Bday today!!!

Happy Birthday Lovvie!! you are so special to me xxxx I love every second with you!!

Have a nice day!!!

love you lots


Mar 10, 2011

No I dont feel pregnant yet.

Next Thursday is Test day for us. I have to say time is flying for me, why??? Because I am having fun, hahaha,  I think because I want it to be. I am feeling fine; I am busy sorting stuff out in my head.( and that is keeping me busy 24/7)  I always have to have a plan B, and I have it. So that’s why I am not very nervous or anxious or of my trolley…  Can you believe I am stable and cruising?
..and its weekend.
Suro-sus is feeling sick, like it can maybe  be flu and it’s not nice…I am tired but that is because of all the stuff that happen till now.
This one is feeling like a breeze without all the meds I always needed before, that change this time. I am now just on all the normal After transfer meds.

Mar 9, 2011

My First Family Photo!

What happen on tranfer-day

Just got home feel like I am never ever home….
Here follow the update on the transfer… I can only say what a” hec-of-a-day” it was.
We need to be at the hospital at 10h00 and the transfer was supose to be 10h30.  Suro-sus need to deliver flowers just before we need to get going to be on time at the hospital. She was in a rush and when she reverses her car she bump into my car, SMASH!!! In to the drivers-door. And all of you who ever went through IF-Treatment, know that is the last thing you need and that on transfer day!!!! You need to be CALMMMMMMMMMMMMM not on shock!!!
She was in such a shock and was feeling terrible about the car! All I was thinking of was… its fine … things like this happen…it could be worse…it could  have happen on the high way and then we will be late or something worse could have happen. She was asking what is Luv going to say( he did not come with because of work) , and I was saying its fine, we can fix it.
The next moment Suro-sus husband say, you need to go NOW ( yes, can you belief this??) to the police station to get a number for the insurance!!! WTF!!!!
We need to go to hospital and who is his right mind will now put pressure about this nonsense stuff, it’s a bump, not an huge accident and you all know how long It’s going to take at the police station. Not once did I hear… its fine just you relax we can sort this out later .
Shame I was feeling sorry for Suro-sus… okay so off we go, both of us getting in at the passenger seat, my door cannot open.
At the clinic, I first went to the loo, I know you need a full bladder for ET, but I also know theatre is not always running on time, and then by the time you get to theatre it feels like the whole ocean is sloshing in your bladder.
We always have fun together and there was a few funny moment. Laughter was always my saving grace, to be happy makes you feel better.
One thing when I am at the clinic my mind block-so then they must make the decisions. We only went to theatre at 12h00 ( they was running so late, there was some hick-up with some lady.  So in this time I empty my bladder a few times, and was feeling great.
I was thinking that if there was good quality embryos, I will take them. ET was not at all emotional  , I was feeling so good knowing this is the end, I am fed-up. Suro-sus took 2 embies and yes I took 2 as well. And then  when they was finish I was thing WHY ON EARTH DID YOU DO THAT???? They was not good quality at all, but I was thinking at that stage, I cannot leave the 2 behind, I am there mommy, and just MAYBE!!! LUCK WILL BE WITH ME!

The miscarriage cocktail-new-study-and-yes-it-change-very-time-to-something-new, change again from December so I don’t need to do Clex.anne injections ( it’s the one that change my tummy in to horrow burses.)
So we only got home at 14h30 ( what a long day!!!) and the moment we put our foot in the house  Suro-sus husband went like parrot again, “you need to go to the police station NOW!!” WTF!!!! Not how did it go??  go and relax!! When  I am home tonight, I can take you or look after the kids while you go. You must go NOW!! ( I am sorry Luv was not there he is always so supportive)
So before 15h00 me and Sus was standing in the police station with 2 small kids for long…still with our hospital tags around our arms… and I was thinking, thanx this is the end of this route, because we have just go through hell, pay a hell of a lot of money and now we need to be standing in a police station. Support???

Mar 7, 2011

4 On board

It was a hectic day.... they put 2 back in suro-sus and 2 bad quality's in me.

I am very tired will post a detail-update later..

Good night!!

Mar 5, 2011

Fertility report

Day 3

My eggs are catching up, now we have 5! Late bloomers.??

1x6 cell
1x5 cell
1x4 cell
1x compact
1x 1cell ( this litte bugger ??? )

Embrio Tranfer will be on Monday at 10h30 ( suro-sus)
I will take the rest if they still there and the quality is fine.

Mar 4, 2011

Luv finish his race ( very tired!!) me and Suro-sus chilling out !!!!


Got the call yesterday  of the 8 eggs....

 3 eggs was immature and the 4 of the other 5 fertilize.

Now the waiting game have see if the embies go to be a blast and the rest pick up with there family.

Really hope they will not get missing-in-action !!!!! I need that embrios so much.!!

Stress did start to kick in.

Mar 3, 2011

8 eggs!!

 Sorry for not update you all yesterday, but we only got home after 20h00 last night and then I was in my “kas” tired!!!
Tuesday was nice just to do nothing, went out for pizza’s and got back, there was a call from the clinic. My doctor is not on theatre list for the week, so he will not do the Egg Retrieval (ER).  Because the doctors rotate very week, you not always get the one you want. On Friday DR Super S tell me he will come in early do to my scan because he want to (When I visit the clinic many moons ago, he have just started at the clinic, so we know each other’s for years!!!)
Yesterday morning I went for ER, got my clothes off, dress in the hospital-cocktail-dress that always show your ass ( Yes I always forgot my gown!!! But the black-pasmina with the red and white slippers make me feel like I was going to a party) The sisters think is very funny.
So Doctor V was standing in, He have a totally different type of personality, not every girl like it. But I know him and for me and he is nice and very good on operations.
He anaesthetist  came to see me before theatre, a-father-xmas-tipe-guy, and he was talking the whole time, and stuff that, if you know me, just keep quiet!! Yes he was saying you will get your baby, just relax…That is one thing you not tell a 10 year-infertile!!!! Your crocodile!!!
I walk to the theatre feeling great , but the moment I got on the bed ( like always tears was just running like a sprint from my cheeks!!! Unstoppable!!! I could not stop crying… So Father-xmas is saying don’t be scared!!! And I was saying I AM NOT SCARED AT ALL!!!! The sister who already start scrubbing  yell from the back… O Cstelle I want to hold your hand!!! Now Doctor V move in and start rubbing my arm and my hair ( with the blue streaks in) and the embro-women was holding my other hand. It was so funny and stupid!!!!! But the emotions were sky high!!!
Doctor V was so nice and them I told them, I am not scared or anything it is just very time I am on the theatre bed I want it so badly to be my last!!!! And now it is my last!!!

For all the follicles ( not all of them have eggs is) we’ve got 8!!!!! It’s good!!
Nice thing, I did not bleed afterwards! Just after theatre Dr Super S phone but my phone was still on silent, we talk last night after 8, he so badly wanted to do the ER but they book an “op” at the other hospital and he was piss not to do it. He will call me today after 1 to let me know what my eggies are doing!!!

So keep your fingers cross for a good fertilization report!!

Mar 1, 2011


Today is my only day with NO MEDICINE!!!! Am I not lucky!!!!! So today we are just hanging...
I am feeling bit uncomfortable, bloated with all the eggies ( look 5 months pregnant).

yesterday morning was very busy at the clinic..everybody was running around. There is a new sister at the clinic for a while now. I have not speak to her at all, because I always landed with the other sisters who I know very well. But this one is a whoooz-head!! She haven't had a clue whats going on, it was pissing me off, big time!.

When I ask her about the injections for me and Suro-sus ,she must first found out ( because she don't know..) and this is super important that our programme is right. Firstly we pay a hell-off-alot of money, and this is our last time. and I don't want it to be mixed up because sister whooz-head don't know what she is doing!!!

Okay she she give me my last Menopur injection ( on my stomach) Luv was just turning his head away,,,, why???? and as I was looking down....


I goes like this....."What are you doing?????"

SHE" sorry I am a bit confused"!!!! and then when she inject me ,she start shivering.... Luv is doing a better job!!! This never ever happen in 10 years.


Hope tomorrow when I go in for ER she is not in my site, she will put the wrong tag on me for teatre.