May 30, 2012
May 27, 2012
The twins are 8 months. My throat are feeling funny , just by the idea of them getting so big, before I see ...they will be having their 1st. I am enjoying them so much and before I can enjoy a stage they have move on....where is the first 3 months where I could just sit and look at them????
They doing so good and we are so happy with their progress. They are eating more and more different foods, and Nika wants to hold her bottle all by herself (its a mess) Wium is putting every single thing in his mouth....he love shoes.... geee its giving me the creeps. They love the pram-rides daily and to be outside.
They not shy to go to other people. They are very social. Nika love giving hugs.... and Wium think everyone he meets is a clown.
When Luv is getting home after work, they go mad. He will then take them with him upstairs, and while getting out of his working clothes, he sing and entertain them. It gives me a quick break just to get everything in order. All you can hear then is ...giggles and laughs. And its nice boding time with daddy. Luv are doing so much effort with them ... he is a wonderful DAD.
Night time.....they normal babies...they don’t sleep.....there are just so much they can maybe miss out in life.
May 23, 2012
May 21, 2012
Sometimes I look at the twins ...and think how do you get them big?? Because everyday more and more happen!.
Wium still love every single thing you give him to eat, its just super. Nika on the other hand will like it today , and tomorrow she hates it. She don’t like to eat. I will cook the nicest stuff and she will think...in her life...it was the worst thing she ever tastes. I am not doing the buffet thing for her so if she don’t like it , stay without it. Its getting better, because if she see her little brother is eating, then she wants too.
Worst of eating is when their months are full of food , they love to put their feet with the socks in it, its such a mess!! One part I don’t like...the eating part.
I am more strict with them at night time now, and its playing off. There was a time when they totally ruled us!
They love playing with all their toys and each other, they laugh at each other and yes they do have their fights, kicking and clapping each other ending up with tears. And to see their conversations are so cute to watch.
Their teeth are giving them a hard time....but the only thing you see is ...shining gums!!! And burning bums!!.
They are rolling all over the place and going around, like clocks. They get where they want too. Nika can sit for a long time playing....Wium don’t like to sit, he wants to MOVE... he love wires and plugs.
So this weekend he get on to his knees and arms and move forward, I was so shock ! the next step is crawling....he is a little mover, watch out.
May 17, 2012
I am doing okay, have a small bit of discomfort, but as I know everything will get back to normal at the end.
2 weeks ago when I was discharge from hospital the Dr ask if I will be okay...Yes , I am always okay!! Yes , but emotionally ?? .....yes , I will be. Its not the end I wanted for myself, but who can predict anyway? How their life needs to turn out.
What did I wanted my life to be 12 years ago ....
I wanted kids with all of my heart
I wanted to start a family immediately
I wanted to have 5 kids ( Luv wanted 4)
I wanted a life with NO hick-ups.. I wanted an easy ride. Now this sound O, so boring...
I have had clients who did IVF when I was not even married and from their stories, I wish this will never happen to me ever.
While I start Ivf-ing years ago, One of my clients was doing Suro- I was thinking please I don’t ever want to end up, to that extreme.
Ectopic’s...that sound to sore, please skip me that.
All through these years, what kept me going was.. was believing NEXT time your luck will change and with all these believing I did not realize how time fly, never ever did I think my path will be so difficult ... this is how my IF –CV look.
8 IUI # 1 GIFT # 6 IVF # 3 time Surrogating # 2 Ectopic’s
In 11 years I was 10 x pregnant and I have loose them all, sometimes it was more tragic than others. I was in theatres more times than I was in the movies, I can look back and know I have tried it all, although I never have had the privilege to be pregnant too the end or give birth to a baby ( it was one of my biggest wishes but life is not always the way we want it), thanx a 10 00000000000 times I have had a sister who give me the best prezzie ever... Nika and Wium.
My heart is sore because of as my babies pass each stage its the last and the cute outfits, I wanted to keep for” a-may-be-baby” can go the someone else thats in need now. I ended my TTC journey with a BANG!! Like one of my friends say, that’s how you do everything, its not a surprise.
I am just glad I came out stronger on the other side, I am full of scars physically and emotionally, but I have made it. Now I can see forward to a normal family life, at last.
May 13, 2012
At last my first MOTHER’S DAY!! Thought I never ever writes this.
I do think the media makes allot WhoHA about it, but that’s just my thoughts.
I remember sitting in church on mother’s day, its dreadful, painful and just plain terrible. The minister always loves to make a BIG THING about mother’s day. Handing out a chocolate or some gift to” ALL THE MOMMIES”. ( what makes you a mommy ? only when you bare you own kids? What if you are a mom to many kids at an orphanage? Or even a mom to an animal?)
Then you that actually wants to be one so much don’t get a thing....because you don’t have kids. It feels as if there is a spotlight on you...your in component women And each and every year is just the same “ snot” the one minister that did not do it was the one that married us, he will give out things to all the women!! You diverse a medal.
...because, what about the so many women out there, that for some medical reason, some personal reason, some emotional reason, some secret reason cannot be a mommy ??
SO today to all the moms and “specially” all the to-be-some-time-a-mommy-hopefully-soon and all the women with a prayer in their heart... I love you xxxx
May 11, 2012
This whole week I was lying low!! Did not do much, could not do much. But today I am feeling good, no more constantly pain, and discomfort, wounds look good and healed!
I did have a “Granny- Au-pair” for the twins. They just LOVE her!! She could not turn her back for n sec then they scream!! They were sitting with her the whole time, and mommy could take naps!! It was wonderful....thanx MOM!!
The Granny-Au-pair just left, I could see the she will not last long( never get a OLD au-pair) , Nika is fine , but Wium ( wiggly-worm) is not everyone’s playmate. He is just always on a roll. He don’t want to sit still for a sec! The Au-pair was so glad when the twins hit their cots at night.
It was every nice with my mother here, and the twins already missing their ”ouma”
May 8, 2012
When I wake after the op, it felt like heaven!! The devastating pain was gone, thank goodness. I was soooo cold they put , what I call , hot-vacuum on me. I got to my room and see its late, I must have been gone, a long time.
I was so nausea....and the sister to slow with a bucket!!! You can just think, what happen next. I ask them to help me to the bathroom, to get me wash; I was drench in blood and vomit. I saw myself in the mirror and thought Geeeewhizz you look terrible and your body.... so pale. They help me so nicely to get washed holding me by my sides and help to get my panty on ( always feel better when you got your panties on, and a T-shirt ( no PJ’s we pack in such a rush!)
In my bed I order food, after all I did not eat anything that day! And then the sleep hit me.....OO so nice!
Where are the twins??? On our way , I phone a dear friend...are you home??? My family are going to crash with you tonight. It was so nice knowing Luv and die kids are staying with them , because they are always so willing to help, thank you xxxxxxxx ( I think in future if they see my number on their screen they will think twice before picking up.
And I know Luv is hands-on, he help with everything so I did not worry a inch. I know he will cope. He have pack there bedding and clothes, bottles even there favourite sleeping toys!
It did feel funny not having him around when I wake, but we are a family now, things work out differently.
Next morning doctor Sweat Heart come, shame after me he did and birth on the next door town, poor man must have hit his pillow very late that night. He said.....”it was a bad ectopic that ruptured on a very bad place, the egg must have travel a long way and just missed the uterus, it rapture near the uterus so he remove abit of that too!!it took over 1hour and a half hours! So both tubes are gone now! And its the end...........
I got out of the hospital and need to stay in town till the next day. The next day we went to my mother and father, because suro-sus is also there . Then everyone can help Luv with the twins, I was lying down most of time and cannot pick them up.
Thank you so much for everyone helping Luv with the twins, everyone that help to get them to sleep, feed them and play with them, everyone that bring us food its so nice and its always nice to see how friends is there for us. We are at home with abit of chaos, Luv got flu over the weekend, ( I think he is on burnt-out-level and I am just floating, and the twins are getting their first tooth...
one of his hospital friends....
Dad doing a hopsital feed.
May 7, 2012
What I did not tell you in my last post is that although I did have a feeling I am pregnant, I have had pain in my right side. But it come and goes. Then I saw the double stripes, and my periods started. ( what made this pregnancy so weird was, The egg follicle was on my tubeless side, so changes to fall pregnant was nearly zero. But this little egg was, just like me.... she crawl through universal-vaginal-space to found the right side tube. She was so adamant to reach the uterus that with her brave journey made her lost her life!! It may sound funny but doctors have seen this happen, not so many times.
Although what I think my periods has began, I still feel pregnant.
Tuesday we come home after our long weekend, and Wednesday morning I dress-up in raggy-clothes to do washing and all the stack-up house work ( and there was plenty to be done)
After I hang the 3th bundle of washing, the twins was moaning the whole day everything was out of control!! Half past 10 I phone Luv, saying today its chaos at home!!! And as I said that, I look out of the window seeing that my laundry-line HAVE COLAPSE!! What I did not know was , what I have experience as chaos was not even the tip of the ice-mountain.
Half an hour later I was sterilizing the bottles and the next moment I collapse of pain!! Crawing to the couch with my cell phone, phoning Luv to come home immediately. I was so afraid of passing out , luckily the twins was fast asleep.
I phone a friend to look after the twins!! She was there in a flash ( Thanx a mil!!! You are a star!!) I was thing it was an ectopic again but just to make sure we went for a scan at the local hospital and that took hours....painful hours, it is so sore you cannot think , you cannot listen, you cannot sit, stand-up, or lay done.....you are dying of the pain!!!!!
What they saw in the hospital was a cyst that burst , with fluid in my insides! I have ask so many times, is it NOT AN ACTOPIC???? With the answer NO!!
The fluids in your insides are dangerous so we went home , my dear DR Sweetheart was waiting for me in George, we pack as quickly as possible with twins, our friends helping us. I was in so much pain. And boy I look terrible, raggy clothes, chip off nailvarinsh and my leg hair....grown out!!Hospital things always happen when least expected.
There was allot of road works to George , but with luck we hit them all on green. Half way I was feeling terrible, and pass out. You can just think , Luv was driving at a speed, me collapsing at his side and the twins crying.
He drop me at the doc, got me on the scan, ITS A ANOTHER ECTOPIC!!!! And you’ve got fluid inside we must get you NOW to theatre ( this was half pass 4.)
Can you believe my second ectopic this is ridiculous... why the fuck me AGAIN ! we were talking and you know whats going to happen...THIS IS THE END OF YOU TTC ROAD....after this you finish. Me and Luv was talking on the road about it, but it still was a shock.
I just walk over the road to the hospital, they getting me ready, luv checking me in at reception, and strange people sitting with MY TWINS which I never ever let go out of my eye side. It was a bit of chaos, me looking for the twins, Luv not there, the porter standing with my bed to wheel me to theatre.
5 O clock I hit the theatre, the anaesthetist listing to my lungs and heart on the way. I getting on the bed with loads of pain, and crying....crying because of all the pain, crying because now I have babies, crying because I am loosing another baby, crying because its the END....
They struggle awhile to found a vain, of the shock and pain my veins collapse. I have holding DR Sweethearts hand, I think I broke it. Because very needle they try was sore , my threshold was gone....so they give me gas. I was asking how long op???? Half hour to a bit...
May 4, 2012
Just to let you know...it was not a miscarriage....believe it or not.....
It was another Ectopic pregnancy.... I am in hospital after an emergency op.
Will tell the story next week
May 1, 2012
April is the months with loads of looooooong weekends, and we have arrive home after another long one . From Friday till Tuesday we have been away...and allot have happen again in my life...there is always allot happening.
The beginning of April I have been for my yearly Gyni-check-up, I have tell you about the whole story...bla the contraceptive.... the nice egg on my tubeless-side....well...
I know my reproductive-body so good, and last week I just feel O-so-preggies!!
While sitting at my PC I skype Luv “ Hey I think I am pregnant AGAIN!! Congrats you are going to be a daddy!!” he replying hahahah again!!.
When he hit home that afternoon I tell him ..I am pregnant, I just know it!! Tomorrow I will do I home test.
More on me and home tests.... after all these years I am not a Pee-on-a-stick-addict! I just did it on the suro-ivf-journey and I have an spare one for maybe.
The nine times I have been pregnant was tested by blood test. So on paper I have been pregnant 9 times. I real life I am scared to know the number,,,its many times. But now after we have had the twins I have tell Luv if ever I got this I think I am pregnant, I will do a home test, just to see. Because alllllllllllll the kizillions of other times, I just will have wait till my “late-periods” arrive.
So Thursday night just before I took a shower, I thought.....I am 100000000% sure I am Pregnant, I am not going to wait till tomorrow, and did the peeing-stick thing......with and immediately double stripes!! I went to Luv and show him and we start laughing!!! Because it was the tubeless-side, my changes where zero ( my FS ones told me he have seen it happen ones, how nobody know) but the egg slip in the back door. 5 weeks pegnant.
We could not sleep that night ...because of excitement !!!!!!!
Just to start bleeding on Sunday.....a MISCARRIAGE AGAIN!!
So my reproductive -insides.. is still on strike!!! But for the first time it was not THAT BAD, because I have 2 wonderful little babies. It took the edge off!