Dec 22, 2010

Merry Christmas!!!!

                                             HI everybody this will be my last post for 2010!!!

      I just want to say may you all have a wonderful, peacefull ( really hope mine will be ) merry       
                                                                Christmas time...

                                          I will chat again NEXT YEAR!! in 2011


Whats next!

It’s only a few days and then it’s the end of 2010, JIPEEEEEE!!! I am so dam glad it’s over!!! And 2011…may this be the year of answers. May this be the year where we will know in what direction to go in next.

I luv to start clean-over-new-for the beginning-whatever you want to do!!! And NOW I NEED IT SO DESPRITLY.

My house are cleaned-up, personal admin is done, my garden is well manicured, I am working on my fitness levels. So 2011 can come, I and ready for HIM!!! May this be a HIM year and not another bitchy-year.

We’ve got loads of plans for 2011, but on the IF-FRONT we have decided the following…drumroll…drumroll…never-ever –think –I-will-get-to-this-point, but…

For 10 years I am on this road…a road to nowhere…and emotional road. For 10 years it feels like I was lock up in this IF-JAIL and the people outside forgot where they put the keys.. They forgot me… and now I want this to end.

So next year , the beginning , we will try Suro again, thanx to my wonderful, loving sister. But this will be the last try. I always say I will try till the doctors say your eggs are finish and rotten and dear Luv’s sperms are so old they swim backwards now, with out there tails…

…but This will be it. To be an UNEXPLAIN INFERTILE are the shittiest thing on earth, because nobody can help you because they don’t know what to do or on what to work because you are unexplainable. Its sucks!!!!

And for 10 year we can really say we have tried everything that was offer!! We have put our self through a lot, because of our dreams. That did not turned out to be… its hard to get to this point but its it. And to try and try makes me sick now and everybody saying each time..” this will be your lucky time, just want me to vomit!!!!

Yesterday evening we visit friends in the campsite and I walk into one of the sisters at the clinic. Chat ,,,chat,, chat and she was asking am I okay??? And I could see she feel so sorry for me, and that just breaks my heart!!!!!

Dec 20, 2010

Christmas with all the things...

Its a funny feeling, everybody is in a "Christmas-hype" Running around like rats buying presents, getting all things right and finish for Christmas.

I always luv it two. I Love the tree and to decorate it, putting up lights ( its just so beautiful!!) and all the excitement.

But now the is such a horrible time!! I just hate every moment of it. I don't put up ANY CHRISTMAS STUFF. My house look just like it always do. I am still working to keep me busy.  If you don't have kids this time is not such a big deal.

Because we don't buy presents  anymore , we do take the money we where suppose to spend and buy presents for kids that don't have homes, or parents, or just have nothing. That a nice feeling!!!

I think me and luv are for sure at Cross-roads in our life, there are big things happening in our lives, decisions to make, things that is about to happen. I think I do need NEW things to focus on.

...because I am just so fed-up for this 2010 that was so a Shitty Year!!!!

Dec 18, 2010

Tired!!! just so tired!!

All the rush is over for now, thank goodness!!!! The market was nice, and now me and luv just want to go and sleep.....

This week I have a few clients, and I need to clean my house ,but then its time to just relax and get peace with myself. I am in despreate need of that!!! I am just emosionaly so TIRED!!!

Form the IVF and then the pregnacy and then the MC and then the December rush there was really no time to just sit down and over-think all the shit we went through.... and I need it, now!!!

I am just coping under the radar, but I fine, just fed-up!!!!

We are going away for Chrismas to the farm and I need this quiet time... I just want to lie in the sun, swim, drink wine  and laugh. Need to go to my happy place We are going to stay with my brother, hopefully with out the "attachments". Me and suro-sus are sick of just always fighting with my brother for just time for us to bond, because my SIL's fucking family is just always with them. They got  NO RESPECT AT ALL for anybody, lie-ing all the time!!( and I hate people that lie!! they are untrustable!!) and every 2 years when it is our family-Chrismas time, they will just picth!!!! ( they need to sleep over for the night on ther way to family, 1 night will be 3 weeks at the end, arriving at the family...never!!!)  and if you dont know in a years time they more or less 60% of the time at the farm, thinking its there  holiday farm!!! yes they got NO LIFE of there own!!!! NO personality as well.

We are fed up for fighting!!! for just 2 week in 2 years of quality-family-bonding-time. So this year will be the last try. If that fucking attachments just pinch there nose in our direction , we are finish!! for ever. I don't even want to see them at all, nor either hear there voices!!!!! If I even just got there smell. I AM FINISH!!!!

and then we are going to start our own family chrismas,( from next year on, without begging for just some time) with lots of JUST NICE FUN AND MEMORIAL TIMES!!! That is whats life all about after all.

Dec 17, 2010


Wonder why this time of the year is so hectic??? Its Friday already again. Fridays is my best day, because its the beginning of the weekend!!!!! but today is going to be chaos!!!!

I am working the whole day, everybody need to be ready for there holiday, then we have a 40ish BDay party tonight, with a theme PINK, SILVER and BLACK (  and the only pink I have is in my PJ's?????) I need to get a Kitchen tea gift for tomorrow and then Tomorrow there is another Market and the flowers did open up enough EKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!!!

SO then my mind is going around about my PLAN-OF-ACTION ( POA) for the future.... we more or about know what we are going to do, will tell you all later ( and funny its not what I have decided for me , buts its it!!)

Enjoy your weekend!!! Miss you all!!!

Dec 15, 2010

The error is gone, jippee!!

This is a pic of this weekend market, early morning. We have just unpack!!!

Choas house...

I am very quiet lately, but this time of the year is just so hectic!!! I havent been home for more than 3 days after each other, and I hate it!! My house looks like I have 10 kids ( and there's none!!) its choas in my home and I hate it!! big time!

and now I think I am going away tommorw...I want to set off a fokker and THEN I REALY NEEDS TO CLEAN it afterwards!! I luv to work under pressure!!! Why???? Stupid , I think!!!

I just don't get time to get organize. Maybe its because I have so many diffrent "works" Joke!!

next week I just want to settle down, do reading and nice stuff!!! I am working ,but flexi time.

and this weekend I have a market again!! I want to yelllllllllll!!!!!

Dec 13, 2010

xxxx Friends xxxx


" I want to upload pics but every time I do it....server rejected is coming up" do any one know why???

Dec 12, 2010


What a nice weekend, the market is finish, thank goodness. It was nice and fun. The rest of the weekend the weather was cold and rainy, so me and Luv was under the blankets and watch 3 movies!!! I just luv movies!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I can not believe , December is half way and 2010 is nearly at HER end ( her???? because this year was one BIG BITCH!!!!)

Have to say I am every emotional... its like I don't know where I belong ????

Its kids everywhere, and preggy belly's everywhere, happy people everywhere, and families everywhere, babies everywhere, friends announcing there pregnancies,

and then there is ME and LUV we are just THERE..... LIKE FLOATING ALIENS....

Dec 10, 2010


I want to put a pic on of today, but sorry there's an error so I will try to put a pic up later. Me and a friend had, had such a fun day at the market. Just what I needed!!

There is such alot of things going on in my head.... its whooching around!!!!

Dec 9, 2010

Busy to keep me sane!

From tomorrow for 2 days I am going to a market to sell flowers….I just loveeeeee flowers!!!

At this moment my kitchen and lounge look like a spring festival, it’s beautiful!!! I still have to make some bunches!! I will take pics and post it over the weekend. I have been so busy, lately, don’t know if it help or not, with my mind???? I think I NEED me time, now! Good news..the blood stop!!

Something you don’t know about me, is I love competitions , freebies and I have an addictive personality. This year I have been very lucky with entries in competitions. I love magazines and then I enter, ONLY ONE TIME, EACH, competition ( that’s my rule otherwise, the addictive me will enter million of times)

This year I have won a Cam recorder, toaster, phone, perfume, toaster, wall tatoo’s, Last week I win Shark case d.ving!!! for 2 .Luv want to do it his whole life, I am so scared( I will properly put a knife in my pants just for maybe) and yesterday I win wine, champers, coffee table book !!

I am so lucky, don’t know why the IF life cannot be with so much luck!!!

Dec 7, 2010

FS talk.

Today at half pass 6 my FS phone me, and I am not a morning person at all. I think I sound like drug-like-bear after his hibernation …

…my FS is just as “ out of plans with me” and I know he don’t know what to do next. I think his biggest Christmas wish was “JUST GET HER FORM OUR STOCK BOOKS, PLEASE!!! But NO she just lovessss our clinic!!

So I say to him, you don’t know what to do next, because nothing ever works out!!! It is just this super ridiculous scenario!! And he agree, and the Ectopic was the cherry on the cake!

He is very worried about me emotionally … because I have had this hyper shitty year and I have to agree. It was super KAK!!! Emotionally, he don’t know how I am still coping?? I wonder myself ???

He doesn’t want to discuss anything now. I must take a break and phone him next year.

So for now I am just here , I do have a tuff time, maybe this year was just a bit too LONGGGGGGG.

Dec 6, 2010

Me Pregnant...never...

Every freaking time I do IVF, I am SO positive, it’s nearly abnormal. BUT I AM A BELIEVER!!

And every time I Miscarriage I think, maybe next time is your lucky time, some or other time your luck must change, and then I am on the same road…the road to nowhere… the road with NO Guarantees….the road with no fucking end after 9 too long years!!!!

I so badly want to be pregnant; I want to have my own kids. But this time with miscarriage no 8, its time to face facts, facts I never ever though will happen and now this is on my door step. In my face!!

My fuck-up uterus seems to hate intruders , she is such a selfish damm bitch!! Why she don’t want my babies to stay, I really don’t know, only if she know me and my dreams…but she goes on strike the moment a baby start to grow. I HATE HER!!!

I am in such a floating bubble, because realty is here. I do believe in miracles, and there is always a tiny bit of luck somewhere in the universe, maybe the satellites will spot me in future, but…

..FOR ME TO BE EVER PREGNANT ????? IT’S THE END!!!! And it is so sad.

It’s fucking damm hard!!! But it’s the end for me, I have to make peace with facts that my chances are ZERO, and emotionally it’s not worth it. So I have to close the BOOK… “I WANT TO BE PREGGIES!!"

Suro-sus demand on doing it again… so if we give it the last try maybe in 2011, I will not put Embies back in me…

Dec 5, 2010

Coping??? with what??

Hi There!!!!

I was away for a few days and am back now. I am doing so-so…I am just so tired!!!!

I did not have time to think about anything, maybe I don’t want to think about it?? I will talk to my FS soon, just leave him a message “Will call you later!!! Not at home!( because I am not in a mood for talking….I am tired!!!!!

The bleeding has not stopped yet…and this is pissing me off!!! So now BCP( birth control pills) will be the next and I want to scream!!! Will give it 2 more day, that’s all!!!

Now that I have stop, all the shit-hormones-that fuck-me-up-BIG-TIME…I am sitting with headaches!!! Bruises!!!!! And the worse MY WHOLE BODY HAVE SMALL LITTLE PIMPLES ON!!!! Its like a allergic reaction, and I can tell you this, I am loosing it now..coping not anymore…

I think the pimples are my body’s way of telling me something… “ I am just as fed-up-fuck-up like you are, darling!!!!!