The END!!

I have just got this "gut feeling" yesterday... did a pregnancy test...NEGATIVE!!! Go for a Beta this morning... 17!!! ... the end of my baby, I so much wanted!!!!

Baby no.10 is with the rest of my ANGEL BABIES!!!!

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Clexanne-tummy!!

At the moment, this is how my tummy is looking!! and I don't mind , just if its working!!!

I am better than last week!!

The Tight and Bright Party was very nice and my mother did not suspect anything!! All her friends enjoyed it so much and they surprise me with their outfits. Very cool for 60 +ers!!! Suro-sus baked the brightest cake ever seen, her food was super nice!!,

On the other hand….How am I doing????? Wish I know, myself!!
I am suppose to be more or less 6 weeks pregnant….it feel like 6 years… and the best part, I don’t know, am I or am I not….

You all know the dreadful 2WW, but I am on my 4WW since I got my first beta of 58 I start bleeding 3 days after that, and it did stop as we blog… My Betas are just as confusing as I am; we are all in this hanging-space…. Normal people stop their periods when they pregnant, I start bleeding the moment I found out I am pregnant. Using more pads than ever.. With the twins I did stop bleeding for 7 months!!!!! HORRIBLE!!!!!

Very weird, you all know what’s up, but I did not tell anybody because I don’t know what to say. Its like this 4ww and only after next week 5ww when I go for the scan I will know…am I preggies or not!! Last week was terrible I was really not coping at all. Maybe if I just know everything is fine, I will relax.

Have to say the Beta’s are calling in my ear…do another one…..do another one… but I am strong for now!!!! But it’s only Monday today!!

The Birthday Girl!!!

Just a bla= bla day in my life

Today, I am not going to la- la- bla-b la- about what’s over-operating-my-life-at-this-moment!!!

We are giving my mother a surprise-breakfast-birthday party Saturday morning!! and at this minute we really hope that NO-asshole let it slip to her… It’s a THIGHT AND BRIGHT party ( you have to dress like the theme). I have made my mother a tutu and have found horrible stockings to wear. She is going to love is !!!!

Suro-sus is doing the main dish, and I, the table settings. Tomorrow when I wake I need to bake some muffins…and I am the worse baker in the world, my nerves are rags!! But I cannot wait to get to the farm, I need some away time now.

At this time of the year it feel like my throat are block because there is so much going on and no time left. So this last month I was doing this stupid silly stuff that stays forever on your note book and never get tic off.

One on mine for over a year was to print a coffee table book of some of my photos. Made the book but just did not get it to the printers and the joke, when I mail the order, it took 3 days and it was finish. Its tic off and I love it, all my friends think its super cool…..have to say, me too.

My Christmas prezzies are wrap and tag!! You go girl!!! ( only buying for the kids)

Next year can come knocking on my door because my 2 year to do list is clean… and it feels super dooper!!!

Most AMAZING confusing BETAS

Emotionally I am on “break-down edge”!!!! This is roller coasting confusing…

I am just trying to keep myself to cope. Tuesday was bad and I was preparing myself for the beta that’s going down to crash!!! Went to bed at 8 o’clock because I was just there…don’t want to think, don’t want to do anything ( 8 o’clock was the earliest bedtime in the last 20 years for me.)

This morning I was sitting in front of the lab, an hour before they open, because I want this over and done with. Went to the lab in a nearby town, because I want the beta within an hour!! When the nurse put my ID on the computer, she was saying whoww…wonder why????Yes because an Idiot can see what’s up!! And Yes I do feel like and “experimental rat” When I left the lab, I want to cry…and the only thing I can think of is as soon as possible you have to get your life back on track. That’s the only way I can cope, so I eat a Chocolate , decided to get on the treatmill when I arrived home and I will dye my hair Cherry red!!!

Text my friend at the lab at half pass 9 and to get my beta, please!!!
And by all odds went from 296 up to 510!!!! I was shock!!! Still is.
Looks like 2 start to grow but the one died, had it before. The blood is not fine but its better.

I will NOT do I Beta again, this is what I think now, but time will see. I ones did a beta till 65 000 and still lost the babies.

The doctor book a scan for the 6th December and then we will see what’s up inside.

I am taking it day by day!!! Never think is over till the fat lady sings…

Bleeding Beta!!

Just got my Beta and from Friday it only increase from 260-296,( only with 37) so not nearly what it is suppose to be. Have to do a Beta on Wednesday again. I so fed-up for doing Beta’s.

This is the 8th(pregnant) time I am going through this whole ordeal, and at this time I know things are not the normal way, it’s the horrible way, like always. I am not NEGATIVE I am just realistic!

Hopefully Wednesday will give the answers… and then we need to do seriously decisions about the future…

Weekend was full of rest!!

Am I pregnant or am I not anymore??? Good Question!!! Wish I have X-ray-eyes!!!!

This weekend I was bleeding like hell. It just never ever stop!!! I am using more pads than when I have my periods.

Tomorrow I need to test again, and it’s so stupid because you don’t know ,did you lose the baby or I am just loosing blood… like a old dog , this hair??

What I can tell you ,I HATE THE BLOOD, and the blood thinners
is not helping, it has worsened the process. With the twins I was bleeding till the day I lost then + it never stop till 4months after when I went on the pill to stop it!!! Ridiculous!!!!

So after this, blood is freaking me out, big time… I am not feeling good, and going to the loo is super awful!!!

260!!!

Weird to describe my feelings… after the spotting and then this morning the blood was just like periods, with pain and cramping still going on… I am wearing pads!! Not pantyliners!!

Thought it was over…With every pregnancy I BLEED!!!!! Emotionally I was preparing myself for the Beta.
The Beta came back 260!!! So from 56 to 260!! I was shocked!! I was quiet over the phone. ..

Phone the clinic, the sister is saying the beta is fine, what they wanted me to do the repeat on Monday to see if the beta is still climbing, because of the blood.

So now I am lying flat, I am hyper active so this is super funny ,me staying in one position. Nice part Luv’s running around with hot chocolate and pizzas!!!! I am like the rich bitch!!! What a life!!

2nd Beta...????

So today I will go for the update blood test and…

Yesterday I start to “YES, FUCKING SPOTTING”!!!! I just hate it!!! I hate BLOOOD, I hate it!!!

I was piss when I saw it on the loo-paper!! I was so angry!!! Not disappointment…Fucking ANGER…..GRADE 10 ANGER….!!I was bursting out in waterworks!!! Come on… I know I am a “super high risk PG women” but why me always?? Fair????? NO!!!!!!!!

I know my family is going to read this, and flip… I am flipping, as I am blogging… Probably I will not pick up the phone today, till I got my Beta.. Late afternoon.

How wonderful will a pregnancy be without any problems…what about a breeze in the park??? What about just to enjoy a pregnancy???

Searching for meds!!

Funny how every single time I semi –pregnant, we need to run around for pills and meds!!

Yesterday it was time again!!!! And its freaking me out BIG TIME!!!!!
I love the town we are living in , BUT service???????? There is none!!!!!

I went to the Pharmacist, order my meds, it will be there the next day, went to pick it up….sorry we forgot the order and when we order, we where 10 min late… Fuck-Head!!!!!!!! This is me that need that meds ASAP!!!

Sorry …for me, means to climb over the counter and KILL YOU!!!!!! Brutally!!!!

So now I start phoning….. Get into my car go to a nearby town for the meds!!!!!

The Pharmacist gives me the pills and ask…”Can I ask you a question??” How are you feeling on that pills with all the side effects????
I start laughing……What????? I am on so many hormones, pills and injection…I am feeling Marvellous!!! What do you think!! Its was so funny… if he know how fuck-up my system really is ..HE WILL START TO CRY!!!!

Friday???? where are you????

I am sitting on this “rubber-boat” scared-happy-optimistic, waiting for Friday to do the next Beta.

Then we will have a better idea, I have been on this road for so long, that’s why I know you have to take it day by day…

I once again I have seen there is NO GUARANTEES!!!!!!

I have my Suro-sus that wants to do this so badly for us, she did not struggle to fall pregnant, did not have any miscarriages, and have a breeze with pregnancy.

I struggle to fall pregnant, lost all the babies, and am a HIGH RISK PREGNANT-MEMBER.

They put the best 2 embies in Sus and the not so good ones in me and who is pregnant????
Me the High risk one!!!! So there is NO Guarantees!!! And with all of this, I have seen we are not in charge of things, somebody Higher make the decisions!!!

I got a BIG FAT POSITIVE!!!!

What a day!!!!!! Bloodworks = 9h00.
Phone lab depot = 15h00 ( blood have not arrive due to roadworks!!)
Phone George lab = 16h30 (results out but they canot get the sister to pick up the phone)
Phone depot girl= 16h31 ( she open up the lab and go too the computer, she know my history and always help me with results!!)

BETA  56!!!!!!!!!

16h35 Phone Luv tell him, and now I am scared she looked at the wrong results.
 16h40 Phone the sister non-stop!!!!

18h00 the sister of the clinic phone its 56!!!!!

So form NOW I AM PREGNANT!!!!! and tired after spring cleaning my house the whole day just to be super busy while waiting for the beta call.

Friday have to do the beta again!!!

Suro got a negative

Suro-sus results was negative.... what can I say... I am totaly piss-off!!!!

I know how badly she wants to do this for us. To go through ALL THIS SHITTY STUFF just for nothing... and the new law and all the pitty things. Fare??????????? NO!!!!!!

I will get my blood works done at nine and will know more or less 3 h00 this afternoon....what a day!!!!!

Positive we are waiting for you BIG TIME!!!

Tomorrow will be the TEST DATE!!!!!

I am so irritated, so nerve-up, so whoooozz-head, so emotional!!! And fucking shit scared!!!!! I cannot face last times results again. I will defiantly loose it!!!!!
Suro-sus will test tomorrow morning, and I really hope this will be the lucky time for us!!! Not nice to go through all of this grap for nothing.

I will test Monday , because the nearest lab is hour and a half drive from here and I am not going too gunpoint someone just to get my blood works done like last time.

So on Monday I will go the depot in town, they will send my blood away and then I will only get it 5 o’clock. This is endurance!!!! Its like testing my own nervy-body!!!! I am like an army sergeant on myself.

POSTIVE!!!!!POSITIVE!!!!!!POSITIVE!!!! this is what I am waiting for!!!! BIG TIME!!!

Just for the records….NO PEEING ON THE STICKS YET!!!!! I am too scared!!!!! Just hoping, hoping hoping

I am hanging ...

So Day 8 arrive, and 2 days left… when you in your 2ww it feels like it never ends, and when the end is near, you don’t want it to end , because you scared!!! For the blood test!!!

I am coping fine, actually the best ever; maybe you call it “years of suffering”? You just go with the flow…

BUT STILL PRAY YOUR ASS OFF FOR A POSITIVE!!! A BIG POSITIVE!!!!

I want these babies so badly its hurts holes through my heart, body and soul!!!

I am so positive, but the bad stupid part of IF is, you always have to prepare yourself for the bad!! Why??? Haven’t I already have had enough bad luck, tears and heart ache???

4 more sleeps...

I was away for 2 two day, working. It realy Help alot just to be busy. I am coping OKAY ( do you get something like that in your 2ww?????)

Time is flying... Don't have any simptoms...or maybe I have...maybe feeling stuff...that, the next moment vanish up into the air... I think I am to scared to feel anything!!! I am scared to deaf!!!! I am like a high-pressure-tuna-can!!!...Explotion...hope not before TEST-DAY!!!!

Suro-sus... too busy with 2 hiper-active-kids, too feel anything!!
Luv...?????

keep your fingers cross xxxxxxxxx

Some people got a tatoo on their face...wtih the word STUPID on it!!

Opinions???? Opinions???? Lots of people have then; I am one that has my own opinion of everything …BUT I WILL NOT ACT LIKE MY OPINION IS THE LAW OF THE UNIVERSE!!!!

Last week on a local radio station with sometimes I think my own opinion… bunch of super-dooper-idiotic-bummer-listeners. Have a discussion about SURROGACY!!!!

So I got this text…Put your radio on, they’re talking about surrogacy … and I run for the small, shower radio and sitting with my ear glued!
So this guy ask questions like, what do you think about surrogacy???? Will you do this yourself??? And blab la bla la( this is actually what this radio station do most whole day blab la ba bla

So now this is “oil on the fire” for the people. So now every ass phone in with what they think about the topic. Here follow some of the stuff:

Listener…In tears!!!!! “I am mother of 2….how can any mother just give up her kid. Then you are not a mother if you do something like that..snif, snif!!!” (ass it’s not the suro’s child!! It my eggs and my luv’s sperm!!! And no one forced her with guns, dynamite or bombs to do it, she is doing it because she have a heart, not like you a stone with the engraving “I am stupid” on it . If you give your baby away its adoption NOT SURRO!!! Get your facts right stupid!

Listener…”Why don’t these people not go and adopt a child!!! There are so many babies up for adoption!!” (ass why do you have kids of your own???...because I want my own kids?? O really, so why didn’t you adopt kids and not got your own) and I can tell your name have never seen an adoption list I guess. People like you think you just put your name on, its quickly, easy, no money involved, FUCKING NO EMOTIONS AT ALL INVOLVED.
.
Listener…”Do these people know the babies feel unwanted later in life, because THEIR MUMS gave them away!!” The surro’s give them away because they help parents that cannot have their own kids!! There are people in the world that “hunny-bunny-sex “doesn’t work for.The babies do not feel unwanted because the whole suro-thing is like a “luv-job” Women are doing it from the button of there hearts, and the mamma’s and pappa’s that get that child, will love that baby more than most people on street love their own babies, because they want them so badly!!

Listener…”There must be a law about this to stop it!!” There is a law ass!! And it cost a hec-of-a lot of money. There must be a law putting people like you “mouths to shut!!!”

Women that did Surro, was a surro and IP that was giving this wonderful babies from a surro phoned in with their stories…the right stories, because they was involved in this . But the people didn’t listen to it!! They was just sniffing and snotting about their own shitty opinions.

Everybody just have their own opinions.
One THING I want to say about this, is IF YOU NOT ON THE BUS , just get the F$#% off and shut up your face.!!!!!

To do surro is not just something you decided on the spur of the moment when you on a high with pot or booze!! You don’t just grap a surro by the hair from every street corner.

Because my eggs are good and luv’s sperm is still in the swimming gala, we were never put on the decisions of donors….. Because there is still a change of getting my own kids , we were never putting up with decisions of adoptions. And that is why I cannot give my opinions about it…BECAUSE I AM NOT ON THAT BUS.

This is how I am feeling ,how can you just give idiotic opinions about stuff you were never involved in?

Infertility, donors, adoptions, surro’s…. is very emotional stuff that involved persons, families, and friends and have decisions that have an effect on your life forever.

Still cruising

The embryos is inside and I wish all 4 are now nestle into where the best place will be for them for the next 9 months.

Weird how you feel the moment the embryos, what you think babies are, are in side.

You scared to stand up – What if they fall out?
You scared to pee –what if you pee then out?
You scared to blow your nose-what if they coming through our uterus, through your snotty nose unto the tissue?
You scared to drive gravel road- because they can bump out.
You scared to walk... to jump… to drive…to drink coffee… to have a bath… you are just so scared and 7 days are left to wait for the bloodworks!!

At the moment I drink 9 pills, 2 vaginal inserts bombs and 1 blood thinners injection. And boy o boy I have find the most amazing injections, the needles are so thin, they don’t even make a bruise, as all the other time.


HOW IS MY MOOD RIGHT NOW?????? I am doing just fine ….for now!!!

4 is on board!!!!

The 4 embies is where they need to be, hope the doctor glued then in our uterus.

This morning is the first calm day just to think… everyday was such a rollercoaster experience and now its over we can just relax ( if you can relax in your 2 week wait).

We got the call for the transfer, then we did everything we need to at home, drive half pass 10 from home the night, sleep over at my mom, early drive to suro-sus, and then we sit around…

The telephone ring, the sister at the clinic…where are we now?? The theatre list is early ( does that happen ever at a hospital????) if we near we can come. So now we getting our stuff and off we go!!!! Very exciting stuff….WE MAKING A BABY!!!!

At the clinic they were waiting for us at the door, maybe because I feel like they’re friend, after all I have been with then since 9 years ago… no waiting, we get our pants down, put on the gowns and off to theatre. (the best part of it all was , we did not get time for the water and you will know THAT FULL BLADDER IS KILLING YOU!!!!!)

Suro-sus went first, and the whole theatre atmosphere was WONDERFULL!!! Everybody was so NICE!!!! While we were waiting for Dr Amazing. I discuss my eggs with the “ Lab-Rat” he said my eggs are just fine, How old are you??? And without a blink of my eye I said 26! The sister could not stop laughing as well as Luv and Sus. The sister said what are you doing here if you only 26. Must be the hormones my head is whoozzzz… if I am not eating dog food I forgot my age!! Maybe I am a young dog!

Any case Dr Amazing step in, he is just the best in the world!!! We‘ve got 7 embies, they really was very confused what to do if they must put 4 or 5???? At the end Suro-sus got 2 and I got 2. The rest will stay in the expensive hotel and If they fine by Saturday will be freeze.

WHO DO THEY DO THE TRANFER???
You get on the bed, they cover you up for what’s its worth, and they put your legs in stirrups!!( just luv this part ..its horrible, you not trying to get a tan under the massive theatre light?? Are you??) Then they put the speculum in, and then they washed your cervix, while lying in FULL display!!! Dr put the catheter into your uterus. The sister is sitting the scan on your stomach. Then the embryologist is loading the the embryos and then they inject the little “wishing-they all-become – babies-embryos” to the best place into your Uterus. Then you roll over to a bed and get wheeled to your room where you have to lie still for an hour.
I was fine with the transfer, but when the doctor said this must be your lucky one after everything you went through and said the students was shock when the saw my case, I got very emotional!!

My transfer was also fine!!! To kill time we played 30 seconds. Luv was asking the questions for me and sus. Then they bring us tea and sandwiches ( suro-sus can be so lucky we took her out to this nice coffee shop…lying on you back…it is the most expensive coffee shop we ever visit!! Hahahha

I am loads with meds, blood thinners, and the jikky vaginal pills!!!!

So now the ever dreadful 2ww is on us!! Testing date the 14 November!! The Sunday!!

Now we believe and pray!!!!

30 seconds to kill the hour!!

                                                       Luv and Suro-sus( the best women EVER!!)

                                          Who said the tranfer is not hard on men!!!

Off we go!!

Just got the call from the clinic. We've got 4 good embies and Dr wants tranfer to be tomorrow.

We 've got a function on tonight and then after that, we will drive to my mother's house, sleep over and tomorrow morning we will pick-up Suro-sus and ET will be at 11h20.

Suro-sus and the meds are not "glueing" but she is very positive!!! I am in limbo...

Please keep us in your thoughts, PLEASE!!!!!

xxxxxxx

Nice to be back at home

So nice to back home again!!! So last night when we arrived home I was in my “house of pain”

After the ER, I was very tender inside and the long drive home didn’t make it better.( and roadwork’s just at a extra hour and a half) Today if feel a lot better, except for the “feeling of the flu-virus”

This IVF ,was for me like….”I-am-so-fed-up-of-going-through-this-shitty-stuff-of-no-control” So I just did, what I was told!! I did not think…..I did not feel….I did not talk…I was very emotional and I was trying just not to burst out, into tears every day. For me it feels like the end of the road!!! I was coping for 9 years but after this cycle I don’t want to cope any more…I want a real life.

What did we do to kill TIME!!!! We visit friends!!!! We have had lots of laughter (the next story happened to me and it cause lots of teasing…. We did a breast cancer walk, Sunday and in the goody bag there was a pack of “droe wors” that’s what I think it was!!! So I opened it and start eating, Suro-sus then start laughing…BECAUSE it was DOG FOOD!!!! I can only blame it on the hormones!!!!! The next morning Suro-sus tell her kids if you want to talk to Stel, you have to call her like a dog, Whoooff, because she just loves dog food!! Very funny!!!

We went to a few Markets… we have had such a nice time with Suro-sus kiddies. We just adore then!!! And I miss then so much!!! And it was so nice to spend time with them and treat then, they give us so much love!!

This morning I got a sms from the clinic with the fertility report. From the 11 follies, 10 were fine and the other one was immature. 5 fertilize!!! And it looks like the other will also fertilize???? ( I did not really understand the sms ), but I will know tomorrow for sure what cooking with my embies.

Its weird I just want to chill….and I believe everything will work out the way it will be.

Thanx a lot for everybody’s support!!! It means a lot!!! In my IF-WORLD support is what I need the most!!!!

11 Eggies!!!!

I am so excited!!!!! 11!! Its the most ever!! The double-dose meds worked like a bomb.
I am a bit sore...but much better than last time, with the blood that did not stop for a day.

Tomorrow I will up date you on everything, NOW I JUST WANT TO GET IN BED!!

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