xxxLOVExxx

To all my angles in heaven…

I can only say that I miss you every single minute of the day. I am always wondering what we would have done and how our lives would have been with you.

Me and your father would have been the luckiest freaks on earth.

No one can say we did not try our ass off, I offer my body up for IUI’s , IVF’s, every stupid treatment everybody think might work, hormones, heartache and your daddy offer up his money and his emotions.

You’re better than normal babies, because you started your life, as “designer babies” in a glass tube. You were not all conceived by the normal way with sex, but you were conceived with so much love, it’s unthinkable!

It looks like I, your mother are not able to let you grow inside my broken womb. So your best aunt in the world wants to borrow us hers. She is like an angel on earth. We don’t know if you are scared for her??Because you don’t want to stick? I can tell you, she would not keep you if that is what you are scared of?  She would love to give you to me and your dad. I can tell you that you will love your aunt’s kids. They are two little girls and they are adorable! They will love to play with you. Think of all the fun stuff you will do together, like give us a concert, playing “catch and release” and “hide and seek”.

Ten years ago we were ready for you and now, even more ready.

We have a lovely double story house, with wooden ceilings. There is a fireplace, where we can sit and drink Hot chocolate and make marshmallows on the fire in winter time. There is stairs to climb, kids just love to climb our stairs. Outside there is not big enough trees for a tree house but we are working on it. The garden have a nice green lawn and I can see you playing in the sand put – and me and daddy would love to buy you one of that jungle gyms.

I have so many wonderful stories to tell, and games to play.

I  miss you all so much- I want our house to be full of laughter and chaos.  Not like it is now with only my stuff lying around.

Every time the sister at the clinic phone with words “ Its Positive” I start to shake… I start to wish I can hold you on my breast to feel you against my skin, to touch you…

I want to see you learn to crawl and walk and say simple little words.

Every time my womb became you grave- a bit of me and your dad died!

…and every time it take us awhile to put the grieve aside for our next attempts of getting up early in the morning to go to the clinic for scans, blood tests, needles, hospitals, drugs, sperms in bottles, surgery’s… the doctors don’t even know what to do next.

You would love me and your dad. I can tell you your life will be full of adventure and fun. I am a bit weird, but your dad is the most amazing dad in the world. He is looking after me so nicely and we have so much fun, just missing you all. He will take you for fishing, hike’s and camping ( he is an outdoor man) Just for the records he is a very good squash player, and will learn you all the best tricks. We would love to come and watch your games.

I think our longing hearts will never heal completely. At night I fall asleep with tears in my eyes-wishing one of you wants to call me so that I can jump up and put you in the bed with us.

We are going to try one more time to see if one of you don’t want to come and stay with us…really hope so with every single cell in our bodies.

With lots of love.

YOUR MOM XXX