May 17, 2012

I am doing okay, have a small bit of discomfort, but as I know everything will get back to normal at the end.

2 weeks ago when I was discharge from hospital the Dr ask if I will be okay...Yes , I am always okay!! Yes , but emotionally ??  .....yes , I will be. Its not the end I wanted for myself, but who can predict anyway? How their life needs to turn out.

What did I wanted my life to be 12 years ago ....

I wanted kids with all of my heart

I wanted to start a family immediately

I wanted to have 5 kids ( Luv wanted 4)

I wanted a life with NO hick-ups.. I wanted an easy ride.  Now this sound O, so boring...

I have had clients who did IVF when I was not even married and from their stories, I wish this will never happen to me ever.

While I start Ivf-ing years ago, One of my clients was doing Suro- I was thinking please I don’t ever want to  end up, to that extreme.

Ectopic’s...that sound to sore, please skip me that.

All through these years, what kept me going was.. was believing NEXT time your luck will  change and with all these believing I did not realize how time fly, never ever did I think my path will be so difficult ... this is how my IF –CV look.

8 IUI   #          1 GIFT                        # 6 IVF           # 3 time Surrogating         # 2 Ectopic’s

In 11 years I was 10 x pregnant and I have loose them all, sometimes it was more tragic than others.  I was in theatres more times than I was in the movies, I can look back and know I have tried it all,  although I never have had the privilege to be pregnant too the end or give birth to a baby ( it was one of my biggest wishes but life is not always the way we want it),  thanx a 10 00000000000  times I have had a sister who give me the best prezzie ever... Nika and Wium.

My heart is sore because of as my babies pass each stage its the last and the cute outfits, I wanted to keep for” a-may-be-baby”  can go the someone else thats in need now. I ended my TTC journey with a BANG!! Like one of my friends say, that’s how you do everything, its not a surprise.

I am just glad I came out stronger on the other side, I am full of scars physically and emotionally, but I have made it. Now I can see forward to a normal family life, at last.


  1. I'm so sorry... you are a strong and inspirational woman and mother :) Love to you always xoxo

  2. Hi Cstelle...

    Nika en Wuim is pragtig! Soms moet 'n mens probeer weg beweeg van die "what if's" en die verlede. Ek weet dit is nie maklik nie - was al self daar. In daardie tye troos ek myself aan die volgende: "Mense maak planne, maar God besluit, wat gebeur." Die Here was baie goed gewees vir jou en vir my - soos jy self se, ons het 'n gelukkige einde gehad. Geniet Nika en Wuim.
    Lekker naweek. Ps: Ek hoop jy voel sommer gou gou stukke beter. x