Apr 11, 2011

Plan B's was my saving grace.

 I am always full of things to do, that  help me cope with the things that happen in my life. This is the one thing that have helped me though all these years of infertility. PLAN B!!!
If I go for IVF , I have already had a plan, so when I got the call and its negative. I know exactly what to do and this can be anything from…half marathon (this is what I did 4/5 years ago, I ask the doctor to give me a 3 months brake, to get me focus again, I walk out of his room and I knew I need to do something that is beyond my expectation, so that night I enter a half marathon online, and a month after that I did it!! I was so un fit , but I jog for the next month, everybody telling me that…you can never do that!! And all I was thinking of was, I know, BUT I NEED TO!! I need to do that, to show myself if you have no hope and you think you a looser, you can!! It was a very emotional thing, At the stage I have had 5 miscarriage ( did not now the worse will be the next time) and I decided I will break this 21km , into 4km runs . I will run 4km for every miscarriage, it was like a healing process. And the last 1km will be, to show me you need to keep going to see the END.
That day was hell after 2 km I was up, and at 4km I want to quit, funny Luv was running  as well ( he is very sporty and fit) and he was waiting for me, asking if I am okay!! NO I not, but you have to go on!! And he decided to run with me( I think it was his worse race ever, he did more like crawling it.) At 16km I have had blood blisters and the medic tent was flashing in front of me!!  And all I want to do is quit, but that day I knew …girl if you quit NOW, it will be the end of everything!!But Luv was encouraging me all the way. It was so emotional for me, because of this healing race ( Luv did not know why I did it, he will probably read it today for the first time. But it was so symbolic – he that is just always there for me- helping me to get through BAD TIMES) I just LOVE you so much!!
Not all the time it was so extreme things I did, sometimes after the call I  paint my walls red, while I cry the whole job trough, you can just imagine how my house look now( yes, it is interesting)
I did a one-man-show after the ectopic for charity,other smaller races, I was having dress-up parties, I did bungi-jumping, working holidays, re-doing my garden , having a wedding in my garden,and a lot of other things.

The big thing of these plan B’s is, you feel so much better afterwards even if it last just a few days.
I think that is why I did infertility so long ( and I will always be an IF – I will never carry my own babies) this journey was also a plan without an end…( thats why I did not stop trying,, I believe in fairytales and they always have an end) its only now for the first time that there will be an END.
My wonderful Suro-sus is helping me to get to this end and the end will be when I have that miracle babies in my arms within months from now.

I had a plan B for when I miscarriage this time as well, and I know it will be the end for me ever to be pregnant,  will tell you tomorrow what we did.

1 comment:

  1. Ek kry skoon trane in my oe. Jy is 'n ware inspirasie vir enige mens. En jou hubbie is stunning dat hy jou so ondersteun. Wow, julle gaan SULKE goeie ouers wees!!