ER on Wednesday

Just back from the clinic, folicles is more or less 20mm so tonight will be the Ovirel triggershot at 23h00 and ER will be Wednesday. I am doing fine, bit nausea but otherwise I am coping so well!!!, Just fed-up of hanging around, its hell boring!!! Not really in a shopping vibe!!!

Luv did his race this weekend and I am so proud of him!!! He suffer because it was so hot but he did SO GOOD for 1st Virgin-triathloner!!!!  and I was she girl who was not doing anything except eating. But next year I will defintly try the lite-race. Its always so nice if people are doing sport and you feel so good afterwards!! Thats why I want to make a end to IF , because I want my life back!!!!!

If I have a wish........ please I need more than 10 eggs!!!!

I can see the follies

Just back from the clinic. I don't think they know it but it was day 9 not 8 because otherwise we are to long away from home!! yes I am too long at the clinic, I make the rules.

Firstly the sister was very professional but when we burst out of laughter for a private joke, we could not stop laughing and she either. Not emotional at all!!! I just love them so much that's why I keep going back,,,,

Dr Super Amazing is like always super cool with us.

Now for the update!!!!!

Suro-sus lining is fine and I have loads of follicles!! more than 10!! so now I just keep on stimming and will have my next scan Monday!!

Lluv doing great just seeing forward to his race tomorrow!!!!

have a wonderful weekend ,I will!!

Day 7

Day 7 and we are packing…tomorrow morning we have our day 8 scan at 7h45. Then we will see how many follicles I have, as all the other times at this moment it feels like there is none. But after the scan we will know how I have reacted on the medicine.

I can tell you I have never feel this good on the hormones, like this time!! I am feeling super-dooper-over-the –moon-good!! With Zero side effects, accept tiredness and I LOVEEEEEE it so much!!!! ( I am never tired, so enjoyed it while it last I, suppose)

I am so relax…

I was very emotional just before we started, because this is the last attempt and it so FINAL!!! And I think the biggest shock for me was the realization that INFERTILITY was part of our lives for 10 fucking toooooo looooong year. It came as a big shock. I am always very positive and was always thinking maybe next time….don’t stop, try again, you can do it girl…. And then 10 years was flying by.

But now as I write this I am soooo okay!!! I am fine, it feel like a big bag of bricks are off my back!! I am free!! After this I can have my real life back!! Without IF knocking at my door.

So for now, wish me, luv and suro-sus all the luck in the whole wide world ( We need it desperately !!)

Don’t know if I will be at a laptop all the time, but will try to keep you posted!!

My wish for us is 2 POSITIVE BETAS!!!!!!!

She is my Sister xxxx

My Suro-sus :

Is the greatest sister in the whole wide world? She offers to be a suro for us last year and went through the whole ordeal without any complains. Not even one, except one …she forgot to do a bikini wax ( but I told her I don’t think the doctor will even seen that. After all we are not there to get a prize for best bikini-waxing!!)

She don’t need to go through this, but she wants for us, And for someone that have her own kids, naturally too go through Infertility treatments is not a joke. Its something that came from the heart, her heart. She wants us so badly to have babies she is borrowing us her uterus, for free!!

She have 2 gorgeous little daughters ( 3 years and 1 years old) me and Luv just adore them as if they are our little kids. It’s the only thing that make the IVF nice…it’s the only nice part, too see them.

My sister is the greatest mom to her kids. She has so much fun with her kids and she is there for them every single minute.  She is not one of that I-need-some-me-time-all-the –time-just-take –the –kids-out-of-my-site mom.

She do fun stuff with then like painting, baking, playing, telling stories and do fun stuff!! When they go on holiday it’s family-time, bonding time, with their kids, she look after her kids by herself.( not always getting someone else to look after her kids because she needs a break.) I have seen women never ever looking after their own kids, because they need a break !! from what????do they need a break??? Because someone else is already looking after their kids??? Just wondering???)

I talk to my sister a lot of times and from the kids was 1 months old, she is holding the phone next to their ears and then we talk, or must I say I talk. The older one talk to me now and I just love it!!

She let then make cards and send it to us, and she mail us photo’s every week. She is making us so part of her kids and I can only say, Sis you are great!!!!!

She is the best mom!! With 2 amazing little ones!!!!

Cannot wait to see them tomorrow night!!!

Cycle day 5

Cycle day 5!!! This is what have to go in me at this stage of the race.

I am feeling fine, I have not any horrible side effects now, and I realy hope they will not appear.

Hope this stuff make loads of eggs!!!!  I wish some can be freez, never ever happend, so maybe this time!!!

From a 90th Bday to a hormones-stuffing-party!!

Yesterday it was my Grandma’s 90^th Birthday!! (yes, we get as old as the mountains in my family!!) She is doing so well at this age, she can walk, her head is so clear!! She is actually amazing for her age. We went to a place on a restaurant-farm, very beautiful between the vineyards. All the family, kids and friends attend the Bday!!! Always shocking to see how old people are now when you have not seen them for 20 years.

Day 3 was also yesterday… so my hormones-stuffing have started. Yesterday morning me and Luv sneak, into the bathroom do to the injections, the whole house was full of people sleeping over ,so to get a private place…bathroom??? Yes, that will do.  So while we try to do it as quickly as possible, every second someone knock on the door…

This mornings 2 injections went well. Its not a big deal for me anymore, I just want it over and done with.

Friday 7h45 Suro-sus and I need to be at the clinic.

We are on...

Yesterday was such a nice day!! I always enjoy it so much with friends. Have to say I have eaten TOO MUCH sweet stuff!! , but I suppose it’s only once a year your Bday!!!

Just for the surprise, who showed up for my Birthday…. Yes, my periods!!!! She just love me so much she could not spare me just one more day to just enjoy myself. Bitch!!!!

So going to make the call…this cycle is officially….ON THE GO!!!!!

Clinic                        Check!!!

Doctor          Check!!!

Medication  Check!!!

Suro-sus      Check!!!

Luv                Check!!!

Emotions     Al over the place!!!

Me                  ???.....??? Help!!!!

This weekend we are going for my grandmothers 90^Th Birthday !!!

Do you think we must take her to the party with a note in the back window of the car…..DINOSUAR IN TRANSIT !!!!????

It's my Bday !!

Yes, today is my 37^th Birthday.

Hope it’s my last one without kids!!! So this afternoon my friends are coming over for a party!!

I am not the best cook in the world, so to entertain friends is big for me because half of everything always flop! ( and then they must try it anyway ,because it’s my best.)

So one of my very best friends here, are going to make a cheesecake, I think a marble one for my Bday!! She is so great!!! Thanx!!!

I am going to  make a nice punch with lots of booze!!! It will be last time I will have a nice-party-time before this cycle!!! So I will go al the way like just I can!!!

I  just got back from a FULL BODY MASSAGE , Luv book it for me for a prezzi!!! What a way to start your day!!! Isn’t he just the best in the world….. I just adore you xxxx

Hots day!

There is a heat wave upon us!!!! The humidity is un believable and  so hot. I just love summer and this heat, its just a bit bad if you still have to do stuff, because the moment you put your body outside….your are so sweaty!!!

Last night it did not cool off at all, and at the end we end up with the industrial fan on us. Only then we could sleep with that fan on full blast!!

Today it’s the same, I think I must go and visit friends with a pool. Today is a lilo-and-cocktail-day!!!

Every night there is lighting in the air, and that is not really happening usely with us, so I think the moment the rain is going to start, it not going to stop .

On the IF road…waiting for AF!!!! I know we are off soon, but I am enjoying this last fews days.

xxxLOVExxx

To all my angles in heaven…

I can only say that I miss you every single minute of the day. I am always wondering what we would have done and how our lives would have been with you.

Me and your father would have been the luckiest freaks on earth.

No one can say we did not try our ass off, I offer my body up for IUI’s , IVF’s, every stupid treatment everybody think might work, hormones, heartache and your daddy offer up his money and his emotions.

You’re better than normal babies, because you started your life, as “designer babies” in a glass tube. You were not all conceived by the normal way with sex, but you were conceived with so much love, it’s unthinkable!

It looks like I, your mother are not able to let you grow inside my broken womb. So your best aunt in the world wants to borrow us hers. She is like an angel on earth. We don’t know if you are scared for her??Because you don’t want to stick? I can tell you, she would not keep you if that is what you are scared of?  She would love to give you to me and your dad. I can tell you that you will love your aunt’s kids. They are two little girls and they are adorable! They will love to play with you. Think of all the fun stuff you will do together, like give us a concert, playing “catch and release” and “hide and seek”.

Ten years ago we were ready for you and now, even more ready.

We have a lovely double story house, with wooden ceilings. There is a fireplace, where we can sit and drink Hot chocolate and make marshmallows on the fire in winter time. There is stairs to climb, kids just love to climb our stairs. Outside there is not big enough trees for a tree house but we are working on it. The garden have a nice green lawn and I can see you playing in the sand put – and me and daddy would love to buy you one of that jungle gyms.

I have so many wonderful stories to tell, and games to play.

I  miss you all so much- I want our house to be full of laughter and chaos.  Not like it is now with only my stuff lying around.

Every time the sister at the clinic phone with words “ Its Positive” I start to shake… I start to wish I can hold you on my breast to feel you against my skin, to touch you…

I want to see you learn to crawl and walk and say simple little words.

Every time my womb became you grave- a bit of me and your dad died!

…and every time it take us awhile to put the grieve aside for our next attempts of getting up early in the morning to go to the clinic for scans, blood tests, needles, hospitals, drugs, sperms in bottles, surgery’s… the doctors don’t even know what to do next.

You would love me and your dad. I can tell you your life will be full of adventure and fun. I am a bit weird, but your dad is the most amazing dad in the world. He is looking after me so nicely and we have so much fun, just missing you all. He will take you for fishing, hike’s and camping ( he is an outdoor man) Just for the records he is a very good squash player, and will learn you all the best tricks. We would love to come and watch your games.

I think our longing hearts will never heal completely. At night I fall asleep with tears in my eyes-wishing one of you wants to call me so that I can jump up and put you in the bed with us.

We are going to try one more time to see if one of you don’t want to come and stay with us…really hope so with every single cell in our bodies.

With lots of love.

YOUR MOM XXX

What to do now?

Just got a call from my dear Doctor.  Its  bad that we are so far from the clinic, you cannot just jump in and ask what you want, its emails, calls… I’ve got so many questions and things I want sorted out before this last cycle, so he call me with all the answers and what he think now and blab la bla…and he say he don’t know yet what to do with our cycle, still thinking???? , what to change and what not. Only thing I knew we need a programme in days !!! I also say what I want to do this cycle and I cannot believe HE AGREE!! To do what I want, jippee now I can start to relax!!

I am not talking to everybody about my IF, but if you want to know you can just ask and I will tell. Because if you ask I know you really interested in me. My friends know that two. We have decided to not tell anybody around us this time. I have’nt  tell my mom yet.

But yesterday good friends of us ask about what next, so we tell and then they was so shock and emotional about the last time, and they tell us how shock they was when I lost the twins its still unbelievable to them. It is so hard to keep straight-face because I am off-the-walls-emotional. Never in my life have I been like this!!!!

Just phone my lovely suro, but she did not pick up… busy with her kids!! SHE IS SUCH A GREAT MOM FOR HER KIDS!!

“Why do supermarkets make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions, while the healthy people buy cigaretts at front????”

Just a Wednesday

Talk to Suro-sus yesterday, OOoooo I just have the best Suro in the world!!!! Special Angel on Earth!!!

On the last runs of treatment she was nausea and the other time she had terrible headaches…this time she is dead-rock-tired!!! I can’t wait to see what my body is going to do this time…

I am busy talking, or let me say mailing my doctor about the treatment that’s ahead. Hope for miracles this last time.

Waiting for the treatment is fine, but I suppose the moment this car is running it is going to be HOT-EMOTIONAL!! When Suro-sus went to fetch our purple bags, the sister was very concern about me and Luv, our whole long story, is working on everybody at the clinic. I think they want to scream if they see us coming back every time.   I now they want us to have success so badly.

Went for an eye test  yesterday and my eyes are also taking strain of all the medicine, because then you are using it and then not, then its this ,and then that.

This time we are not going to tell anybody about the last attempt, its just all of you on my blog that will know!!

Feeling better

Yesterday I went for reflex.ology again, There was a bit of aprovement but I need much more. I think of all the drugs he past year my insides are suffering, shame! She have start to work on the endo.crine system and all that is need to work in this IVF.

We dont have alot of time left.. and ever single seconds count. The diet ???????? I think I am into it now, I only treat myself with one crook-day a week and that helps alot, the rest I am stuck bubblegum.

Before I forget, you know the one arm-pit-with-the-andrenalin-sweet, after the treatments its gone!!! Yippeee

Feels funny, I am on NO drugs now and Suro-sus are on the injections already, THANX SUS!

                                                               ME IN THE SKI'S

                                                              "JUST CHILLING OUT"

                                                    THE DAM, BEAUTIFUL!!!

Sleeping under the stars xxx

Bundu-bashing!!! Yes!!!

Yesterday, friends call to invite us to come and spend the day at the “dam”. So within 30 minute we just pack swimming stuff, t-shirt and shorts, sleeping bags and water and some “braaivleis” Not a lot and set off…

It was so beautiful and we have had such a nice time, its very private there with no other people, just  us. The guy that invite us, is a bit like an outdoor-adventure-teacher and want us to participate in all the events..skiing, canoeing…tubing…ect. Sometimes is nice to just drink your coffee.

The last time I have ski was about 3 years ago, and I was so impress,,,fisrt time up!!!! I think tomorrow my arms will be so stiff, to drink coffee will be torture.

We just slept under the stars last night, so when I went to pee, and I put the light on I nearly step on a frog!!!! There were lots of them. ( can I say , YES !!! I did scream!!)

Have to say the shower when we got back, was heaven!!!! Weekends with things out of your comfort-zone, is doing wonders for the soul!

ON THE TREAMENT FRONT…SURO-SUS GOT THE PURPLE BAGS!!!!

…AND SHE GOT HER FIRST LUCRIN SHOT TODAY!!

Maybe its this????

There is stuff and things I am at this stage thinking off. With very new Ivf, I try something different…its hope…exercise…diet…refex.ology…massage…more sleep…to be super-dooper positive…keep my emotions under control…swimming…relax-lifestyle…new things on the market… I actually don’t know where to start because I did everything everybody think might work.

I am unexplainable BUT I still think what if?????

And for over a year I am thinking of killer-cell, because F*&^&^& something are out there killing my embies when they put it back.

And now I am thinking of Intra.lipids !!!!  I think that is what I need. It’s a drip you get more or less CD 3 and then on Tranfer day  and then when you get a positive.  I know some of the medicine of the miscarriage cocktail I used has things in for killer cells, but it don’t look like it has been working 100 %.

So before the end of this month I want to order mine, that is what I want this time!!!!

3 weeks left!

Luv is preparing for a Xterra Race ( xtreme territory running, mountainbiking and swimming) I wish I could have been so fit!!! The training for the swimming he is doing in a farm dam.

The spashing you see in the pic ....ITS MY LUV!!!!!

I am off the wall!

This last month of my infertile journey  is about to start, within 4 weeks from now I will start with the injections I now  for years, it’s not new to me.  I am not scared for the side effects, because I have had then all on different cycles, it’s the only thing I cannot predicted, will it be headaches, nausea, tiredness, sore joints, will I be bloated this time??

I am not scared for the doctors, sisters or even the tea girl, because I know then so well. I am not scared for the theatre or the anaesthesia, because in my life I have been to theatres  so many times.

The only thing I am scared of is my emotions… and all the years, this was the one thing I was in control off. But because this is the last try my emotions is off the wall. My tears are not hiding  . I have do blink my eyes like someone with a nervy condition, because I WANT TO CRY EVERY SINGLE SECOND!!

Yesterday I went with Luv’s to the blood donations and the moment I enter the hall, I wanted burst out in tears!! It was so bad and when I saw the women in uniform and the needles it was all the emotions just coming on to me…I was near cracking!! I t was only then when I realize  the last IVF is going to kill me. I think this time will be very teary and damm emotional.

I also  trying to get my head around to know what to do after this one. So at this moment things are flying like spaceships in my head, its like a madhouse…

Money.. money.. money!!

So it’s time to organize our next cycle...

Yesterday I phone the clinic,

Sister:        Morning it’s sister X.

Me:    Hi it’s Cstelle

Sister:        How are you doing??? ( not who is speeking…whats your surname??) Did you enjoy your holiday?

Me: Yes and you, how was the camping?? Listen I talk to XXX( the doctor) we are coming again, (so you all must hide!! I know you don’t want to see us anymore...)just ask him about what medicine I need.

Sister: Okay I will, are you still coping??

Me:    yes, but this will be the last time you see me ! I will deposit the money and then  suro-sus will pick it up at XXXX( the other sister)

Sister:        its fine, keep well!!

It was like talking to friends, they know  who I am. They don’t ask if you have the bank account number?? ( no because I know it better than they, all our spending money its already spend with then. She did not ask for the deposit amount ( because we know its R20 000!!!) You know we have been too long in this business.

So Luv’s have just deposit R 20 000!!! ( yes, its my swimming pools money…our nice leather couch… my ticket to an island…air cons for our whole house…money for leisure… money for a beech house…or money I could just used to make a nice “braai” with…) in the clinic’s account… and other people are moaning how expensive kids are!!! And this is just the DEPOSIT!!!